Retrofitted

2008-05-18T21:30:00.003+08:00

Though this Impreze is not really mine,

but hey we do look good together.

What the hell. I almost hit someone just now. What was i thinking?!?! Furthermore its not some old uncle crossing the traffic light. Its quite a hot chick that got startled when i zoomed passed her while she was crossing.

What the fuck right? Exactly.

There i was driving home after sending my mum to work in the morning. Driving quite safely (though i presumed at first). Feeling the wind in my hair with the window down. Thats how i like it. No artificial coldness. Just the natural fully aspirated air through my face. And as usual, i would blast out the stereo and when it happened , "Thoughts of A Dying Atheist" was on.

And as always, i have most of my concentration on the road plus the rest on the music. But this time i was so fixated on drumming the steering wheel following the music's drumline, i totally forgot to check the pedestrian. If there was a TP behind me or anywhere, i swear i would be booked. And i think i should be due to my carelessness that startled and stop this lady in the middle of her footsteps. What was i thinking? We were close enough for me to get quite a vivid look at her and she at me. I bet she's cursing the hell out of my guts for doing such a thing. She must be thinking; What an ignorant, arrogant and bastard driver i am. And i don't blame her for that. I was such a fool

My meaning of close though we could see each other clearly, was safe enough for me to act quickly. See i'm making a right turn to Kaki Bukit. And of course, for right turns, you should check for cars from the opposite direction. There are two turning lanes and i was at the outer lane. If i was at the inner lane... Something bad could've happened. Which i was lucky enough to not be at.

This was my route. The same route i would take everytime i was heading home. The same route for me and my dad. This is also the same route my dad and i would always take in the morning to work. So i'm quite very familiar with this route to make such a silly mistake that could make me take an effort to actually write this. For my usual going back home route, i would always sub-concsiously take the inner turning lane. But this time i wonder why i took the outer lane. Was it that there was no car there and i took it due to my lack of patience for cars in front of me? or was it something else. I'm just thinking out loud here. Just trying to create a fantasizing effort no to blame myself for nothing happened. Which was actually something. Closely shaved.

When the lights turned green for me so does the green man light. I inched forward to a full halt at the middle of the junction checking for cars. Safety right? Though not the part where i did all this with full fixation on drumming the steering. When i confirmed there was no cars, i depressed the acceleration pedal swiftly and as i did so, i sensed something wrong. A sort of sense you should not have when you're driving. That split second after depressing the pedal, i realised why did the taxi beside me at the inner turning lane did not move. And as i turned my focus back to the road in front, there she was with a brown silky dress on with earphones i think.

As swiftly as i depressed the acc pedal, my right foot was back on the brake. And when i did so, my thoughts brought me back to the oncoming cars from the opposite directions. Fuck it!! i thought. And there i pressed on the acc hard on (all the while knowing she was not on the lane that i was getting on nor was she right in definite front of my car when i was doing so).

What the fuck... what the fffuck!! was the only thing on my mind and the only thing out of my mouth the instant i passed her startled looking yet, gorgeous face. Still have time to look at girls uh?! Hey im a guy. And i really am sorry about it. But shit that was close. The fear of hitting someone and the fear of being hit by all the other cars from all three of the opposite lanes altogether was tremendous. Seriously it was. Imagine trying to jam break due to imminent crashing of the halted car in front while you're travelling at least 70km/h or above. And while you're doing so, The confusion you feel when you realised no matter how hard you depress the brakes, that car in front was coming in ever so close and faster than you anticipated. Letting out a sudden gush of adrenaline and pressure through your whole existence. Same fear. Same experience. Only thing diff is nothing actually happened. Nothing...

2008-03-24T04:51:00.002+08:00

This is a story. A story of my life in the utmost details, you cant even begin to comprehend the the complexities of it. And just like life, the story has its own chapters, and scenes totally uncut, never remastered.

In an instance now, i can barely remember primary days, down to secondary days. Where it sucks the most. The one place i never enjoyed unlike others. It seems im the only one not to. Being fucked around by people i thought were friends?! Thats where i really learnt the hard way, which is though friends are good and nice to have around; never underestimate the kind of "power"they have over you. In a sense that on one hand they could be your group of trust, your circle of comfort but on the other hand, they can have the whole world looking down at you like a piece of trash. Literally. It was fuck. The feeling of everyday going through the same faces of shits knowing they think you're some kind of an ass. A fucking laughing stock to those people you thought were friends and to those others even you arent even close with. That defining...

Friends were one thing. But what about Love?!?! I would say that was the moment where i found my first. Was it? Really? The first love? That lasted for quite a few years if i count out the separations. I was in love. See, another chapter that began and ended. Another defining one that i'll remember for the rest until "THE END".

Then comes another chapter which was Poly. The first day i remembered, "Damn, have to start from scratch and make new friends all over again." Its a funny feeling of lost, confusion, and misplacement. I could never say up till now that im a master of those times. They're rare and you dont get any practice at it. This chapter lasted 3+ years. Made really good friends and even closer ones too. Found myself in a band. One of the best chapters in my life. The best if it were to be compared to the rest. Something i thought i would never get to be in. Since the secondary where i started to pick up the guitar. Ahah!!

One part i cant recall. when was the first time i picked up the guitar. Really picking it up and playing while knowing how to play. Don't remember... How long ago was that? Dont remember. If im given a chance to read a thick book titled m life's story, I would go back to those chapters and find out. Alot of other things that i've missed out too.

Alas after finishing poly, for us guys, we're called to duty. For our nation, for our country. National Service. This was fuck. Who would in their sanest mind would go ahead and raise up their hand and shout out they would want to go for NS. Not me... But eventually, i never thought it could give me a sense of purpose. A sense of belonging. Yet, of course when i entered, it was the same start from scratch feeling. Every book outs seems like a luxury bestowed on us. And every book ins felt so draining and unwanted. I never thought in a million years (as BMT was coming to an end) we would feel much hype, and all hig in moral as if we're booking out. We were becoming really close. Almost like a family. People i know i'll never forget. Those best buddies and those not so best buddies. For those guys who have yet to go through NS, wouldnt understand what i'm saying nor the phrase, "It's not what you leave behind, but it's what you'll gain in the days ahead." It meant alot now.

Alot of buddies cried on the last night and the last morning before we graduated from BMT. Even the SGT's and the Officer's. They all wept tears of sadness. Like you're going away for a long holiday leaving you family behind. That was exactly the kind of feeling everyone felt. Some others were too bold to mention they didnt cry but i dont blame them. For a reason because i didnt. I didnt want to. But no matter how much you try, there would always be this overwhelming upsweep of emotion you can never understand. I almost cried when we started out the marching in for our POP, or did i really cry, im not sure. But that was the part where it struck me, this was going to be the last time we as a company or platoon or family were marching together. After this, theres none left. Even if there is, its not the same face anymore. Never the same faces. That was the moment when i let out. With a sense of control at hand.

A chapter that ended on the 19th of March. And another one beginning today later on the 24th of March. Sub chapters to the whole idea of 2 years sacrifice.

2008-03-22T02:13:00.005+08:00

3 months just passed as if it was yesterday. Cliche? but it really did. Remembering the times where i was just enlisting with all the new looks and faces. This was it then... A new phase of my life beginning. Like it was in school but difference is this was it... The real thing. No more school. The real world. The one they say, "Dog eat Dog". Yep that's the one.

The grueling shits and trainings. Feeling all messed up. All too fugly and juggly for the strenous stuff. Getting to know people. Again from scratch. Hoping to find clicks! And did so, unknowingly meeting the best people out there. Whom i seriously doubt i would meet or make friends with. Covering each others' asses. Fucking every other lamers at the same time. This is literally the meaning of the phrase,

"It's not what you leave behind, but what you'll gain in the days ahead."

I look like an ass though but who gives a shit. We were the bomb! Apache! 1st Platoon! With my life! Hoo Haa!... Who would ever thought as those inevitable days were counting down, we were feeling more merrier to book in. Moral were sky high. Went through 24 km route march was like a stroll to the toilet. It was fun above all else.

Then it time to Graduate... or better known as POP. Did we just finished our BMT phase? So fast? Hey we wont be falling in with the same people, wont be marching with the same people , wont be going to the cookhouse and eating with the same people anymore. Lunch that day was as if it's the "Last Supper".

There we were at the parade square.. Wanted to take some pictures with some of the others but there wasn't any time left so instead we got this to remember ourselves by.

Damn confusing

2008-03-02T04:15:00.002+08:00

Wah lan nuew... i took the past 3 hours trying to log in due to this google account shit whereas my blogger was to old one... ending up my username is a hotmail one?! confusing like fuck

2007-06-06T03:55:00.000+08:00

Check tht out.. My last post was in March. Its been 3 months only and yet it seems like forever. Dare i say that i dun have it in me anymore to be blabbering online in my own sacred corner of bullshit? I guess wrong uh?!

A serious and major amounts of shits have been going on since and i can't even begin to imagine what is to be written, mentioned and what is not. I can't help but say that family's going through a pretty rough patch at the moment. And let me pray that its just for this moment. This "short phase" of our lives. Not that i dun understand in the beginning ever since before stuff happened. But its just something at the back of your mind that you find it hard to get the courage to even begin to contemplate yourself. And yes now that the hammer have struck and all i can do is adapt. Its hard... Why must it always be hard. Ev-er-ry single time, it is hard, hard, hard. why can't it be easy for once or a few times. At least let me get the feel of it; to be easy.

If that's not enough, things keep failing here around the house. One by one it all starts to crap and rot. The tv, the player, the car even. Its like as though all of this has been planned. So secrtively and myseriously planned down to the littlest details. Not that im saying it is. but i sucks.

Only one thing fun or shall i say happy has happened for me. It has actually been about 1 month and a few days now since i passed my car liscence. And i thought i had to take it a second time before i could pass. Spent approximately S$934 in total to get that ever elusive liscence. That's actually rather cheap compared to what i've heard. Some have spent about 1000 plus and almost 2000 and still it remains elusive to those. What can i say, driving now is some sort of a new hobby for me. Can't get enough of it. If you asked me to drive for 24 hrs straight for the sake of nothing just merely for fun... I'd do it.

So.. anywone wants to get some supper? Simpang Bedok or Newton Circle? How about a shopping trip to Johore?

2007-03-17T04:57:00.000+08:00

Realizing that nothing is much more weirder or stranger than fiction. I actually see myself to be in a story. My story. My life. What if it is?! Imagine or think about it for a moment. My life at this very moment or other moments that already happened is being written down by someone else. Or typed or whatever. By someone flawlessly professioned in writing, narrating, and storytelling in fully fictional english literature. That thought comes with the utmost mysteriousness, vividly scaring and totally fearful yet at the same time psychic which is kinda cool don't you think?

Think about yourself walking down town or in a mall or wherever your imagination takes you. Stumble upon the glass window of a coffee shop. Coffee Club's the name and through the window you see chocolate fudge brownie. Than you start to think of all the nice little bites you can have of all the things that is chocolate or whatever. Bavarian sugar cookies this. Macadamian nut chocolate that. Bla bla bla.

Was it really you thinking?! Or was it someone else with their hands fervently and eagerly typing on the typewriter imagining it. Not waiting for the idea to be lost quickly he/she gets it all down on black and white. Who?

Then it makes me think about LIFE. And how people always mention the usual cliche which is, "that's life", "life's hard". This and that and blabbering about life and mentioning about how life is always hard. Blaming it all on the sacred most circle of life. Makes you doubt now that it's not all life that is to blame isn't it? Might be that writer with words so elegant and perfected writing a tragedy about your life. Which you are now currently running. Kind of a bitch ain't it? Knowing that someone has the power over your fate literally. Maybe not!!!

Why not give you super powers? Yeah that would be fun. Flying or invincibility or even reading thoughts. That would definitely count as an asset. Imagine becoming a ladies man and doing everything right just by reading the thoughts of the opposite sex(vice versa). Then it won't be a tragedy story and no one's dying tragically. Which is for the best for everyone.

People fancy reading about sex or comedy or serial killers or in this case tragedies. Why should tragedies be included in a hobby of someone's personal interests in books. Just imagine the look on your face if you found out the tragedy story was about yourself. And yes inevitably you know that one fine day, everyone is going to die eventually. But that's just one of life's mysteries. You never know when you're dying. Which makes people somewhat ignorant in going about their daily lives.

And un this case you found out yourself when. And you were told you had to go through it. You're at the top of the game with a love in your life. Almost perfect until someone decides to be creative and imaginative about how you die. Oh no this is not murder dudes. Its a fully fictional story someones writing which is your life.

And of course reading this, no one's going to believe every single word. Every single blabber. Which is what im doing at exactly 5:36 in the morning. Now 5:37 am. Im just bored and just finish watching Stranger Than Fiction. Its a nice movie and i think you should try to watch. No one died in the movie by the way.

2007-03-13T02:16:00.000+08:00

Lets just jump straight into what i have been thinking and never wanted to say. I like this girl. She's perfect in a way. Maybe the kind of girl that i think i might be into. She's nice although never used to be. She's friendly and smiley at points of time but on the other hand can be angst and fiersome at other times. But i seriously think she's a nice person lah.

Not until i hear what others have to say!!!

Its like when i talk to others(and don't get me wrong. everyone do bitch every once in a while in their own lifetime even if they deny) and have to hear what they have to say, its somehow sounds true. Sounds familiar in a way i've experienced it; The very bad side of the person i'm talking about this moment. Shish!! can it be truely true? I am of course in no place to say mumbo jumbo like "hey! that's not true," or "c'mon, she can't be that bad. I know her and she's not like that." Exactly... I really don't, even after 3 damn years. its funny now when i think that people can be seriously and undoubtfully mysterious and unpredictable. And here i am thinking that, "eh she is not bad, and things might really be going on well or will be." TOOOOTT!?!? Wrong...

But now, the so called unpredictability and mysteriousness is seriously getting out of hand. And im wondering, is she the kind of person she portrays herself to be or if not, any other one else for that matter. They say this but they do that. wah lao wei!

2007-02-26T03:23:00.000+08:00

Ah i suddenly have the cravings for music with female leading vocalists. Like ours for instance. Band such as Save Ferris, Tsunami Bomb and even Letters To Cleo. 2 of these band have actually disbanded due to reasons unknown to me. Its actualy really sad though given the talents and the music they produce which is perfection some might say. Although its been ages after the disbandment(i think), and just finding it out now. It seems really sad.

2007-02-16T05:19:00.000+08:00

A most spectacular one of them all. Bravo!!! bravo!! A really must see. The Illusionist staring Edward Norton and Jessica Biel. My goodness gracious me. Towards the end, its like the twist of all twisted endings. You'll be left laughing, awing, speechless and that sorts. Fortunately enough fo me that these kinds of movies never fail to show its theater like ambience and feeling. Some might not like the effect but i certainly applaude to it. Damn its good. I've seen good but this is way good. Anyways after all that is said, Its just a movie right?!

and....

In about 5 days time it'll be 21st Feb. The day of days for me. The day where its no longer a ten or a one in front of a two digit numeric number. On that day, it'll be a 2 in front. Or some might say early twenties. Hah!?!? 20 freaking years old.... I can't even begin to highlight on the word "old". Older? A 20 years old geek am i? Whose into music, guitars, sounds of perfection, a student, keen on design, concept designing, art, colour, scenes and whatever of that sorts. Someone whose into all that is mentioned but always fails to see where he might/can/will ever end up. The utmost fear thickens as i turn 20 knowing that i am a year down from achieving what i want in this world; What i truly want in life. Its the scariest shit. And no one feeling the same way(if there might be any) can even begin to contemplate how stressful and unnerving it is.

2007-02-08T00:39:00.000+08:00

Everyone of us have dreams. No doubt about that. But it is the never ever ending search for it that brings out the complications, complexities, endurance and of course sacrifices that a person goes through in whatever form possible. Families... Financials... Restrictions... or it could even be the Goal or Dream itself. Too far?! Too impossible?! Too great of a mountaineous region to ever be achieved by that individual person. What is even more heart braking and unthought of is knowing that no one is there to support. When we as an individual fall which is undenyingly inevitable.

For whatever the dream is; Hollywood Director, Producer, Animator, Doctor, Designer, Sculptor, Artist, Lawyer, Engineer, Entrepreneur, Buisnessmen/ women, Scientist, Astronomer, Astronaut, Architect, Visualiser, plus thousands other unmentioned.

And I'm not talking about those whose lives are with limitless priviledges. Yep! for some, greatness are already entrusted upon them. For others, those normal and in a way "unpriviledged" ones have to earn their own greatness. Neither shown a way nor given a shed of light towards the right path of the ever fulfilling GREATNESS. That's when you've reached it knowing well enough you made it. Even better; you made it there "on your own two feet". Years of blood, labour, determination, sacrifices, complications, hindrance, and an undoubtful series of thousands and millions of sacrifices.

Go through it?! Slowly?! Working through?! One day we'll be there. Greatness

2007-01-25T02:48:00.000+08:00

Declaration of failing... I need help. I don't want to but even for those times i really am sincere for wanting to do some work, theres nothing. In short, i'm lost. Totally lost and directionless where its only a few weeks ahead left. Failed interim crit after trying. I told myself this time, this interim crit, i'm going to do the things im supposed to. Loads of research, ergonomic studies, concept sketches, plus my product renderings which i did to the best that i can. Still flunked the crit. And now, final crit is just around the corner and after hearing the feedbacks from lecturers and a few honest friends, i'm beginning to wonder if my concept is ever good enough initially.

Research has been done. I've experienced the problem (which so badly needs a solution) myself. And come to think; yes it is some sort of a strong concept/problem. Helen my course manager said so and i feel so. i agree to what the lecturers say that some parts of my concept solutions might not work, might be redundant. OK! thats a given, but for the rest of it?!?! The mechanical arm... It has to go. Totally cannot work, this i agree. My solution for the "JACKEY" to overcome present problems is suitable(although arguable which i intend to change quickly).

Consulting with Tommy, he thinks otherwise and i know i should take what lecturers say into considerations. But at least after what i've heard from all if not other lecturers. Consulting with Dennis is although scary and a little demoralizing but i have to think realistic here. I can continue to do what i've been doing plus some other suggestions and pointers and... bring it forward to next sem?!?! No, not year 3 1/2... When i asked what about this up coming final crit? And where should i start with what i have?! Yep i still can continue but i cannot pass. That is what told to me directly from Dennis. Demoralizing= totally, Regretful= totally, Shaking due to fear or an overwhelming wordless emotion= i am trembling. Its not that i sit around do nothing. Its not that i neglected to do my work and research. I did my work. Hard labour some might say. Slavering night and day conceptualizing, rendering, researching plus bla blas. All except coming to consult lecturers every single moment without fail. That is the only minus point after all that i've done so far

Not to think about myself but that 1 semester or half a year is not really free. It all means more expenses, more money. Why is it so hard?! And to think back, from the time we started until now, it has been 4 months. SIGH!!! What should i do? I'm lost. Directions anyone? I think from the time that is now or tommorow perhaps, consult each and every lecturers till the day that infamous final crit comes. But of course take what they say into complete considerations.

2007-01-20T03:32:00.000+08:00

I love her... Wah!? I really really do. Wah lao wei!?!? Buey tahan dude. The dudette that im talking about is unique in a way. But of course a hot, beautiful, weird and a little scary chic in her own kind of way. Yeah!? lame or pathetic but who cares. When time comes and theres a familiar aromatic scent, feminine figure, and all hopefulls; Thats when im bestowed this pleasure of spending that few minutes of sweet/crappy talk about everything that is meaningless. Nonsensical shits.

And theres definitely a "BUT" to it. Someone said if you think or find that you can't in a way handle a person regarding anything thats relevant or not; Than there is no point ever commiting to it. And thus yeah... I dun think i can ever handle the type of dudette she is or whoever she will become. Scary yeah!? And after all that is said, nothing will ever be changed. No actions will be taken whatsoever. Just a few minutes burned from the hours of boringness up ahead. Toodles!!!

2007-01-19T07:02:00.000+08:00

Its confusing and undenying but why are my thoughts wrapped around the ugly ones. All over that girl shaped loved drug. Seriously its intoxicating to everything that breathes. Everything that is deep. A sort of price for everlasting pain for that split moment of pleasure. And i wonder, is it worth it? But then agian, its not a concsious choice i could make. Hopeless efforts for deterance but still?! There and then, again and yet again. Forever dreading for something quite a while back. Seriously there's not much i could do; nothing else i could think of. Its all one step at a time now. Partial from what some might say life's "great" courses? If that is really so then i've definitely lived it.

Anyways i've been there and back again to tell of something that i find kind of familiar. And i've decided to forget it. There's no point in waiting really. After being adviced from a few trusted friends, yeah!?! What the hell uh!!There's no point in waiting for a chance. Its stupid, lame and above all pathetic. So my next course of action is to... Ignore. "heck care". Been working to my advantage. Been feeling a little better lately. Sub-concsiously i supposed.

And now after fyp's running around in the head, its official that i am now nocturnal. Either that or im just too close to being an insomniac. Its sick eh. I feel its some chronic illness shit that grows more and more until only you find something to overcome it. Which right now i am short off. With the given time, there's not much i can do with the nocturnal or insomniac shit. Thus i am always thankful for the times i am given forcefully or willingly to sleep. Like right now, its 7:32 am. And i didnt wake up this early to crap all this whateverables but i didnt sleep the whole night. Try experiencing that, a whole of 12hrs or 24 hours or 48 hours or even 72 hours. For those already bestowed this painful pleasure of what im going through than you guys understand me more. It sucks. Just imagine you're up all night staring at the tv or pc or outside window or whatever while doing nothing. Boring and silly...

2007-01-13T04:32:00.000+08:00

I'm right here waiting. Where are you? Where have you been? Why is it so hard? Find me, Whoever you are and, Wherever you might be. And if you do, It'll be as if magic. Fire swells up engulfing yourself. Words can't begin to describe. So please take this step together. You'll doubt it, You'll learn it, You'll love it. And then you'll know. Out of the whole universe, You found your one. Shit happens. Dun be afraid, You'll be alright. Let it go. Leave it. Loved it once and only once. Now, Find me. That fated person destined. As i'll love you, And i'll grit you, When i see you. Time does come fast. This time it works. The only one. The last one. Never again will it happen. Too much pain. But as i've seen. It don't matter to whom. It wholely matters what kind of. And i'll stick my hands on. This is the last time that i left. And this is the last time i'll abandon. Don't be confused. Don't be fickle. And don't ever be afraid. Loyalty commitment and trust. Comes without sacrifice. I believe it is hard. Lets do it together. You and me. Whoever you are. I might not know. I haven't the clue. But i have believe. And with it anything is possible.

In this world. In this place. In this time. You blinked you missed it. Stay in the moment. For the surprises. Wait for it. But never look for it. Jump up for joy. Shout it out loud. Scream, screech, Roar. The fun times. Of future comings. Past endurings. Present living. Your memories subtle. Though not yet experienced. I'm eager in anticipation. What would it be like. How can it give you. Why is it so important. Thats why it certainly is. The only reason.

I could give it all. Undying, Undenying, Undreadful feelings of everything positive. But. I i get it all. A selfless act of wanting it all. Could anyone see it that. The act of giving and getting. Sacrifice and trust goes a long way. But only works for both that are right. A full 1/2 to another full 1/2. The only way it could work. Im waiting though i haven't the clue. I love you. With all my heart. Give it all my soul.

2006-12-25T18:53:00.000+08:00

Renderings... is a must when it comes to projects such as one where im in right now, my FYP. One area which i am so not proud of. And area which i totally sucked. I have to go and buy 3 books amounting to at least 150 bucks just to learn and buck up my rendering skills. Furthermore it is important to have wonderful crisp and wow sketches and renderings due to the external examiner that is coming. A chief designer From BMW designs whus coming directly from Germany. My goodness ok!?!? If i screw this up, its like almost saying goodbye to my aspirations/career as a designer.

So after buying those 3 books and learning/reading this is so far what i've come out with.

This is supposed to be a back view of a trolley with the mechanical arm across the centre.

A perspective view of a different trolley with the mechanical arm at the side. Looks like crap due to using my camera phone so please endure.

2006-12-04T04:36:00.000+08:00

Amacam nie?!?! boleh tak jumpa after few days of hard searching. The highs and the lows but none of which that im looking for. Patience is a virtue, one which i am keen in believing.

Anyways, as i've mentioned somewhere... It will only take 1 or 2 holy shits to come mess things up for a perfect day to be ruined. Honesty is the best policy. My ass uh?! whatever. I've done what i did and im so not looking back or regretting. The thing is, its someone else's shit and if they dun recall than hell with it. No lies, no harm, no nothing. I seriously didnt see no evil, speak no evil and will never hear shit. Bla bla bla. Going on seems to be redundant and pointless. Thats my point. Just drop it and forget about it. Sure its hard and definitely painstaking but its foretold that time will always heal all wounds. Not really sure but i think it does. Thus after all that is said... patience is a virtue.

2006-12-01T00:10:00.000+08:00

WHAT'S EXCEPTABLE AND WHAT'S NOT...

Let's talk about a topic called VAIN... This can be exceptable depending of course on the amount of it that is shown. Checking hair, or makeup or what ever. There is nothing really wrong about this until only when its done every few minutes or even seconds. That's when somebody becomes too vain. And eventually be called a NARCISSIST which is way too scary and frightening to even begin to comprehend. And the worst ones... my god... can be very frightening when you accidentally check for example their pictures in their handphones or friendster or whateverlah.

Which of course i experienced while checking someones phone and accidentally seeing those hundreds of pictures of none other than themselves. C'mon, put the idea in the worst most case scenario where someone literally have hundreds of pictures/photos of only themselves. Not only that, i can even count the number of angled shots which is like... say only 6-8 angles and 1 angle comprises of 10s to 20s of the same smile, smear or whatever. Its as if when you try to scroll towards the next picture quickly, its like an animation or something like that. Now i realise that im being bitchy about this but then again i am allowed to as long as no names come forth. My point is it is really scary. And is it some sort of a defect?! HMM!!! Maybe they don't even realise or they do. Both ways... its just wrong eh.

2006-11-30T02:57:00.000+08:00

Great time today. Although its been days since i went to school and the pressure setting in slowly. I decide to just try and go out and have fun. Went window shopping around town with dee and some of my other BNSS guy friends. We're looking for a b'day present for dee's friend which i intended to follow dee (which in the end i ended following her to her friends surprise b'day dinner). Mind you its all girls. Nothing much though apart from a small room at the back of the Turkish "Alaturka" restaurant. When we reached, they had finished eating so its just tidbits and drinks for us. And a game of uno. One particular experience that i find needed to be mentioned is the part when i entered the room and vaguely trying capture those unfamiliar faces while smiling out of politeness. Initially i tried to "scan" through their faces while trying to see if i knew any of them. And my full glaze met upon this girl who sat exactly opposite of me around that big square table. Why?! because... i dunno... maybe because she's attractive... or maybe because i find that particular kind of girl suited to my tastes. Whatsoever... Anyways, one thing that definitely struck me was (and DEE definitely agree with me on this) this girl sitting opposite me is the almost splitting image of "a person i used to love". In a past story of a courtship that began dearly but ended quite disastrous.

But funny though, i thing like her. This person that sat in front of me. But of course when it comes to me being in a room full of people i barely know let alone seen before. I try my very best to hide all sorts of shyness or LSEness whatsoever, and try to portray a kind of vague confidence that kind of passed off. Ocassional glances, keep cool as if nothing's wrong, try to relax and fit in, laugh along, make conversations. But 1 thing's for sure that only i know, which is my heart is thumping way harder than normal, i began to sweat as if in a furnace of some sort, Little fidgittes here and there, checking my phone when theres no msgs nor calls. NERVOUS... Usually i dun get this nervous other than when i come on stage and start performing in gigs or whatever.

Bottomline, there is this girl i met at a b'day dinner that i find attractive not because she's the splitting image of someone else but because she's just the kind of person suited to my list of a perfect girl. And im all nervous while trying to keep cool. And did i mention that she's 20 and a graduate from NYP. A year older than i am. In a way good maybe because although she's a mirror image of another that is my age, she should be more matured definitely, and more adult like... HMM!?!? who knows. I for one intend to find out.

2006-11-28T03:15:00.000+08:00

Hibernation mode= Off... For the time being. Performed in a gig last week at SP though not with The Esoteric but this bunch of friends of mine who needed a bassist. And thus was there for the auditions and again for the "band edge" thingy. Covered 2 songs and from what i judged is a kind of indie/emo genre. 1st song was Beautiful Love by The Afters then it was Stay Close, Don't Go by Secondhand Serenaide. Funny the second band's name sounds. And they arent even local. I definitely looked forward to it due to this really really hot and i mean really hot girl whose one of the organizers. Unfortunately now i will never be struck down again by the wow the girl gave. Hah!?

And i got a new phone. At last apart from the usual banged up Nokia 7250i that i was using since like so long. Now its a Sony Ericsson Z610i. Its the one with the eccentric blue/pink/black flip phone. I chose the ever eccentric and psychedelic blue. Something different for me. Seriously, after for quite a long time of not changing handphones, i got tired of the fact that i needed a phone. Until a point where i couldnt care less if the phone was screenless or buttonless or whatever (which is exactly what happened to the Nokia 7250i). As time goes on, of course it felt kind of embarassing to use the phone out in the open whereas looking at others whose always up to date with technology and design and stuff. Not anymore.

2006-10-21T23:00:00.000+08:00

All's well thus end's well. Actually not quite ler. I just want to make it clear here rather than have it squirmishing its way around in my head. Goodbye Europe trip. For the people still on for it then have fun guys. I actually opted not to go for it. Due to the unforeseen increase in expenses and estimated total costs. What a waste. But still where can get seh for a round trip ticket plus lodging to 8 destinations in Europe in a course of 2 weeks for just S$3659. Yup just... We're actually looking at costs going way over S$5000 plus for that kind of deal. But i think that i shouldn't be thinking solely about myself during times like now. I've decided not to and thats like final. But... With a direct goal in mind that someday, in the very near future, maybe next year or something... I will be going there eventually.

"What's the big of a deal about it? Europe and stuff? What have they got there that is so wow?"

It is a big of a deal to me. Europe and stuff... For starters, it is a "haven" for design. One such as myself who is so very keen and interested when it comes to design, hell if there's a "haven" for it, why wouldn't i want to go? Secondly, i hate having the thought that my life which had started here will end in the future where it all began. And thirdly, it is not only towards Europe that im looking at, but others. My reason is one can only absorb that much being in a single place. Thus to be in design, one must have a broadened mind.

So, it doesn't mean that im not going now, it all ends. Being sad is one thing. But being eager is another.

2006-10-18T01:06:00.000+08:00

Bla bla blabber blabbering blab...This one in particular i am just so gonna free my mind of thoughts and fuck shits... i mean literally. Anyways embrace yourselves for quite a long post of crap and shits from a mind of a growing 19 year old. Alot of things been happening, all sorts of shits altogether may it be thoughts, emotionals, and bla blas. For starters i got a job which i had started the last wednesday on the 11th... FedEx, We Live To Deliver. Something different for a change rather than the usual F & B line that i've been used to. Kinda fun when your're working office hours from 8.30 to 6.30 but on very almost everydays, the work that i'm doing is only taking the 4 to 6.30 of the time. And being paid like $850 per month. Ok lah i think for this is nothing serious. Plus at least got pocket money for myself and no need to always take from my parents. Which i totally hate. Like i can really see the expressions that is bestowed on their faces when handing me daily school pocket money. Making me feel very bad to take the money. Anyways it was fun that i got a job... At least i've got a reason to go out of the house during this sickly school hols.

And still it is the usuals... sleepless late nights, loads of unacessary thinking thats giving me a whole lot of migraines and headaches, emotional stuff, sensitivity stuff. Whatever shit thats the usual in my case. The annoying thing that won't just disappear from my mind is the thought of you. I'm trying hard to forget ever knowing you and ever noticing you ever but it keeps creeping back. But what can i do about the weight that is so much heavier on one side? Yup... heavier on one side and nothing at all on the other, savvy? A wish that could never happen and a hope that will definitely turn out crashing i suppose. And exactly now, while im typing, im suddenly paused. Not because i am blank with nothing else but rather with a whole lot of information and detailed details coming together all at once. The main one right now and most of the time is... I like you a lot. hell i don't give a shit about judgers and so called "critics" or whatever to point me their random unthoughtful comments that is just wasting their breath and their time. If i were to be the luckiest guy in the world... Man i would have everything. I would have everything and i would give anything.

Thougt i ran into you down on the streets. But then it turned out to only be a dream. then i made a point to burn all of the photographs.

Results came and it is utterly and viciously digraceful. I tried my best and alot of time and effort have been put into works but then they thought differently. The lecturers i mean. What i mean is if don't like than say don't like or say that it is not good enough or something that i have to make changes and developments. Then i really would change vastly. But instead it is the other way round... It is so hard that most of the times it seems that you have to make them happy and like you rather than them as what they are, giving criticizes/grading fairly. Of course i think that i am graded unfairly and unjustly. But they don't think so. If some people reading this...you know what i mean. Haiz!!! I hope at least not for myself but maybe for my future generations that this kind of unjust and unfair thing doesnt continue. No offence to other students for this thing that im blabbing about is not towards them.

Oh you're so insightful, let me remind you to twist and break me, should make you worried. Two-faced liar, don't try and know me, deceit brings fire, makes sure you can't breathe.

2006-10-05T03:47:00.000+08:00

Ku lari ke hutan, kemudian menyanyiku
Ku lari ke pantai, kemudian teriakku
Sepi... sepi dan sendiri aku benci
Aku ingin bingar... Aku mahu di pasar
Bosan aku dengan penat
Dan enyah saja kau pekat
Seperti berjelaga jika ku sendiri
... Pecahkan saja gelasnya biar ramai...
Biar mengaduh sampai gaduh...
Aih... Ada malaikat menyulam
Jaring laba-laba belang di tembok
Keraton putih
Kenapa tak goyangkan saya loncengnya
Biar terdera
Atau aku harus lari ke hutan
Belok ke pantai...

Unfortunately this is not my work but one that i took from a movie if anyone knows. Anyways what i like about it so much is i can relate to it. And the way the story slowly moves to reveal itself more and more than to the climax and conclusively the conclusion. Such mystery hanging there at the end left for readers to contemplate themselves. A little bit unpredictable where you can't really know for sure what were felt when it is read. At first nothing or maybe sad but then a kind of burst in emotions like as if really shouting out venting those kept and hidden anger and finally when done... endless silence.

2006-10-02T03:08:00.000+08:00

Fear... What is it that i fear most?!?! A question along with an answer that has always been swivelling around in my sub-concsious mind for quite some time now. The reason may be why its been sub-concsious after all this time until now... Is because the thought of it is just too scary. Too frightening. Too huge for me to even begin to start contemplating on. Thinking about it just makes me lose all hopes and dreams. It is the death of me. That is how scary it is.

Thus this brings to my very scary question and answer... What is it that i fear most? A simple answer would be, The Future. A little more detail would be, Not or Never Making It Big. There it is. All of us in this generation after our fathers or mothers would have their very own dream or wish in the far or near future of what they will want to become. What is it that they would want to do for the rest of their lives? Yep!!! Mine is circling around being a designer (may it be either product or furniture design) and being a rockstar playing mixed genres of what i like most in a band of friends whom i love with never ending support from families. And i fear none of these will ever happen in my life. And i don't know how much amount of strength, effort, blood and sweat will get me to that point. I seriously would do all that i can to get it. But the question is, Will i?

Honestly what i think might be the huge and almost impossible hindrance and obstacle is the topic about money... and this lovely homeland we call Singapore. Seriously in Singapore, how many people would proudly say that you can go far in design. That they will always bring up the topic about going overseas and that sorts. I'm not saying that i won't do anything about it... But lets just say that i might have all the skills needed and maybe more to come out with excellent designs. Worthy of an award or recognition of some some sorts. Where in the world do i dig up the huge load amount of money to go abroad. How do i do it? Will i make it big? I definitely will try but a huge percentage revovles around luck due to the number of product design graduates coming from polys and unis. People might say just stop asking hows or will i, but start doing it. I will. I want to. but then again it all falls down on my ability to self doubt. It is contagiously eerie and i hate it.

And the thing about rockstar. Lets just take an example... the Singapore Idol. No offence but how many people would believe to their very heart and soul that those people coming out from Singapore Idol like Taufik or Hady would reach across to Europe or America or anywhere in the world for that matter. Maybe yes if its nearby countries like Malaysia or so. If only Singapore would have its very own "Hollywood", then i think it cuts us some slack. I would go blabbering alot more about this topic but conclusively...

Being a designer in a high-end firm where they do interior design or architecture. then i will be in one of the team under product design coming out with original, custom designs that no one will see elsewhere except in that house or something. Doing a good job at it then taking sometime off to play in the Warped Tour or something plus recording albums or videos or something. hmm!?!? I seriously and honestly would do all i can to even get a portion of what i just mentioned in this paragraph.

2006-09-25T02:37:00.000+08:00

Epiphone

The next best brand of guitar next to Gibson. At least that's what i think. Different people with different opinions and playing styles. I choose Epiphone due to the comfort and ease of playing. And of course their signature Les Paul... And Arch Top designs.

This is my current baby. The Epiphone Goth Les Paul.

And they say somehow the look of the guitar expresses how the player is?! Nope i am most definitely not into Goth or what ever nots. Just love the handling of the guitar and the way it looks. Giving it a somewhat "dark" vibe?!?! Anyways whatever. This one have been with me since 2 to 3 years ago i think. Maybe more? Who knows. I got this along with my Ibanez Tone Blaster amp and Rockbag for S$800. My first guitar only apart from yet to comes... What i love about it apart from the sound and defining satin black colour are the details.

The Elitist '63 335 Dot Epiphone.

Then comes the acrh top guitars that i've been eyeing for quite sometime now. The first of which is this magnificent Elitist (top of the line version) Epiphone '63Dot. Archtop (semi hollow body) which gives the resonance of a hollow-body with the sustain of a solid-body guitar. Equipped with 2 USA Humbuckers. The Elitist version will definitely come with a lofty price tag. If so, settling myself with the "non-elitist" version will be an attractive alternative.

The Elitist Nick Valensi Riviera P-94 Epiphone.

Of course from the name, its clearly shown that this is the signature guitar owned and used by Nick Valensi, The Strokes. Fitted with Gibson P-94 pickups to give it his unique signature sound. I totally adore this masterpiece but unfortunately it will most definitely come with a hugely lofty price. But of course there is the "non-elitist" collection to the Riviera. Hmm?!?! But still from what i've seen, the price range are from S$1000 to maybe about S$1600 maybe. For the love of music and guitars; and the dedication to The Esoteric, Either one of these masterpiece are on the top of my list of "to buys". With a price tag that is a 4 digit, the only suitable way of storing if not playing will be either on a stand or a hardcase which is also on the list. Some people might understand and some don't understand why go to such expense of getting yourself a new/loftly price tag/etc guitar where you've already got one which costs quite expensive. As i've mentioned it is all about the love of music and guitars. Or easily said... Hobby. At the moment, at the age of 19, i own only 1 which i intend to add to that number in future to comes. And currently looking towards the Archtop collections.

2006-09-23T02:40:00.000+08:00

After having bought my iPod quite a few months back, i am now deemed the "iPod boy" by my friends. It seems kind of true the way they mention it that wherever i go i'll always be with/listening to my iPod. Wherever that may be even a short trip to the loo. I dunno!?!? i dun even realise it sometimes that i do have my iPod stuck to myself for the whole 24/7. And it might seemed odd or weird to anyone or everyone. Been wanting to get it since when i was in year 1 and now when i get it with my own blood and sweat, i am not going to dump it aside only after few months of usage.

What i like about it so much is that it could store up to 30 gb worth of songs/photos/videos/any other kinds of files that needed for school and future workplace. 30 gb in the size of your palm. compared to 30 gb only in a laptop maybe?! And people might say that, "hey! you dun need 30 gbs of music, you won't be listening to all of them anyways." And i tell them, if i won't be listening to the lot of music that is stored in the iPod, would i be thinking of buying for myself one? Yeah i do listen to them in fact i listen to all kinds of music. Every single genre from rock to rap to metal and even classical. You definitely cannot truly appreciate music if you only listen to 1 or 2 genres (that's what i think). This brings me to my point why i loved my iPod and music so much. It calms me down. Get that feeling where you're all stressed up due to submissions and datelines and rushing for shits and what nots, music helps me calm down. When you have to brainstorm and get ideas when suddenly you get a mental block of some sorts, music gives me inspirations. And when you walk among a million and a gazillion of people and you can't help but to scream at those unpleasant memories and emotions, music gives me my space and somehow in a way takes me to a deserted place as if i'm alone walking without the million and gazillion people floating around. All i have to do is put the headphones on and click on "play" and ZAP!?!? i'm gone.

It doesn't make me anti-social at all (if it seemed that way). And i am neither a psycho nor am i an obsessed freak... But... Anyone or everyone have their own right to their opinions or judgementals. Whether they think or not.

2006-09-18T00:41:00.000+08:00

School holidays are just starting and this time its going to be like only for 2 weeks. What the hell!?!? Where goes the other 6 weeks? Anyways days will most definitely get much more boring for me. Most of my friends are working. Me on the other hand is thinking about it. Should i or should i not. Maybe could ask for a part time job at Vila'ge. Being broke is one thing. But the thought of nothing to do is just unbearable. Anyways FYP is around the corner. Standing on the edge and waiting for the brief just gives me the heeby geebies. Concepts... I need concepts. A damn good one if i might add. Looking through design books kinda help abit but still Its the idea of having a good solid concept that is making my head spin. Theres so many things i can do, so many things i want to do, but generally so little time given. I think!!!

Anyways talking about design books. I've been eyeing on a few that i think are really helpful. About 4 to 5 product/ furniture design books amounting to about $300 plus. Kinda ok really when it comes to comparing the PHAIDON Atlas of Architecture book (which weighs about the same as i am) that my sis bought. That thing is huge and i forgot how much it costs. About $200 plus per book. Or is it almost $500 plus. Its huge and its heavy. There is a "junior" Phaidon if anyone wants to look it up. But not sure if its about Architecture.

Anyways, enough of crap. Things are boring and eventually will become more intensely boring. And i heard that The Esoteric might be having a gig after all in December. Please please please let it be after the Europe trip. And please please make it confirmed this time. New songs with new beats with new meanings but all and all its the same psychadelic-retro-indie rock (with a twist of au-go-go). And i'm planning to buy an archtop electric guitar when im in Europe (hopefully). then i'll be performing along with a new baby. Oh how wonderful!!!

2006-09-12T05:22:00.000+08:00

how guys xpress their love!!!

When a GUY is quiet and is alone, He's is thinking how good you're, Miss you!!!
When a GUY is lying on his bed, He is thinking deeply why he loves you.
When a GUY looks at you in your eyes, He wants to tell you how much he lovesyou and how important you're.
When a GUY answers "I'm Fine" after a while, He is not and feels hurts.
When a GUY keep asking you the samequestion, He is wondering why you are lying.
When a GUY hugs you while sleeping,He is wishing that you belongs to him forever.
When a GUY calls you everyday, He Miss You and wants your attention.
When a GUY wants to see you everyday, He cares for you and want to know how are you today.
When a GUY sms's u everyday, He wants you to know he is fine.
When a GUY says I love you, He really means it.
When a GUY says that he can't live without you, He has made up his mind that you are his future wife.
When a GUY says "I Miss You", He wants to see you immeditely.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I just got this from my mailbox. My say is that these are all crappy bullshits. Don't be fooled to something that seems so real and so true. No matter how innocent, angelic, nice, faithful, in love with you, and sweet this girl really is... Believe me that if guys were to be so nice and do this mushy bullshits every single time they're together. I give those relationships about 3-5 mths before the girl is somewhat feeling bored already and sub-concsiously already thinking about other guys. Hands down. If the relationships last longer than the amount of time i've mentioned... then good for them but seriously guys... It still won't last forever and before you even knew it, she's already spending time with other guys. Weird right? The more love you give, the farther they get eventually. Well!!! who says us guys understand girls?!?! Smiles...

And one more thing that is fucking pissing me off. Those irritating people please stop those irritating, annoying and useless chain letters that goes through e-mails. Fucking useless. "if you dun resend this to 10 people you will be cursed", "you will have bad luck for 7 years", "love of your life will hate you forever"... Fucking hell it is just a damn e-mail. what harm could it do... Fucking shits. If so, i dare the e-mails to make it happen... Haah!?!? cannot right. Damn fucking pissing me off dammit. Nothing else better to do uh?!?! assholes. fuck!!!

2006-09-11T01:54:00.000+08:00

Serious dilemma... silence screams... shattering cries... but mostly pandemonium thoughts have been bugging my quiet, sane and lonely mind towards confusion. Seriously, i am experiencing very fast changes of moods. Smilling and laughing with friends seems to be the most pleasant and relaxing thing to do. But for no reason at all, looking at some this and some whatever so insignificant of that "fun " moment, my feelings/moods could change for that split second to something very sorrowful and saddening. It really sucks and i'd hate to be thinking of unecessary and insignificant things at unannounced moments. Not a psycho!!! Don't worry!?!? I wish i could have it all. I wish! yea yea!?!?

Life is just passing by too damn fast and its getting even faster. Brakes won't work. Nothing does. But maybe something unimaginative and out of the blue. Something so breath taking it steals your life away. Yup maybe that'll do. But as i've mentioned, it is way unimaginative. This is a sad sad world i'm living in. And making do is just not enough. What if i wanted something else? What if being fine is not enough? And what if i wanted extraordinary? I'm convinced that extraordinary exists. And i've seen it happen. That is the reason why day after day somehow, i seem to be "unfulfilled". As if still as always waiting for something special to "woosh" pass. Dream on uh?! As always, me and my dreamy self.

And it works for me sometimes. Dreaming!!! Time and time again when i'm up to something very random. Day dreaming is the so called best way out sub-concsiously for me. Its something like "premonitions" that it looks so real you could almost believe it... But it's not. Like a "vision" so out of the blue that could be funny, or sad, or even insignificant. So real!!!

Emo shits!!! Anyways, quite alot have been happening these past few days. For starters, as usual alot more of hanging out with the same ol' pals/friends/"family". And for only the second time after so many times, i went to one of Syamsi's dance competitions. Real cool and all but seriously i feel so way out of place. Dancing for one is definitely not my forte let alone what i look forward to. And Syam(the gigi one) luckily felt the same way so i wouldnt be alone standing at the sides with all these dancers struting out their stuff all over the waterfront stage area. I remembered this one scene where we're just sitting on the steps listening to music and talking the usual craps about music... Then there's this crew who sat quite near us. They started their mix on their radio and started dancing together as a group. Quite syncronized and nice and all but as they danced they got very close and it started to bug the hell out of me man.

And anyways... got to see Syamsi's group dance and my god can he dance. wow!!! Not a big fan of dancing but that is really wow. Haah!!! I wish?!?!?

And i've heard that MCR is coming out with their new album called The Black Parade. cool! Anyone and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. And i really think that its cool. The fact that they get to play their new song, Welcome To The Black Parade on the roof of a very tall building in New York is just making me jealous dammit. I liked the song. But what i don't like is in the middle part, it sounds a bit like a common punkrock band. Sounded like this band that i forgot the name. Very punkrock and very emo. Abit common unlike their usual selfs. But anyone can keep critisizing but not think that, they are there rocking out at the top with fanatics allover the world. They've been through hell to be in a world like that where some of us, alot of us can only dream of. Especially those trendy wankers out there. Who got nothing better to do but to "posing" like nobody's buisness.

2006-08-31T03:03:00.000+08:00

Lips are turning blue. A kiss that can't renew. I only dream of you, my beautiful. Tiptoe to your room. A starlight in the gloom. I only dream of you and you never knew. Sing for absolution; I will be singing. Falling from your grace. There's nowhere left to hide. And in no one to confide. The truth runs deep inside, and will never die. I won't remain unrectified. And our souls won't be absolved.

Well if some of you reading would call that psycho than i really have nothing to say. Those are words to a song by the ways. Some know it, some don't but who cares. It don't matter. For i do not know what to do. My head went blank. Looking at all the past few things that had been happening made me want to give up. I wish i could. Somehow or some way i want to-i am-i already did... Moments of happiness are left behind. Too dried up now for anyone. No more room in me for another. I'm tied down. Still trying to salvage what's left of me. And yes, i'm drowning in my own thoughts. I've just learn that i could be unpredictable. Dark and dead?!?! Maybe who knows.

And something i really am beginning to be really pissed about. Why are some particular people looking at me as if i owe them. I might be wrong but the vibes are definitely getting on my nerves. It could just be me and if that is the case than i sincerely apologise.

I'm not too sure about this but i think i've been lying to myself for this past few months. How does one know if you're really telling yourselves the truth or you're just blatantly lying to yourselves? I've somehow realised it after these past few happenings, this past few days. The last thing before i sleep. The first thing when i wake. Dream for that short period of time. Lost for that pleasure you will never get...... The unintended one.

I don't know how much more of these kinds of thoughts i can take. It all just seems so real. So right there in front of my eyes as if it were real. Seemed too good to be true? Seemed too much like a hoax? Seemed so non-imaginable? I don't know. No one's perfect. This dark, dead and unpredictable place says it all.

And please for some of you; I am so not what you think i am. So not that kind. I'm not sure even if denying -what those few have come to think- will help me. No one will really know for sure.

2006-08-26T15:45:00.000+08:00

Overseas trips are the usuals. KL, Malaysia... and sometimes when i'm lucky its been to Cambodia, Japan, and even Australia. But now my eyes turn to Europe. Uhuh!!! Lookout Europe, here i come. I've just gotten the news today that i am given permission to go to the Europe trip organised by my lecturers. Cool or what. The trip will be a course of 2 weeks and i heard we'd be going to quite a number of places like Paris, Rome, London, Amsterdam, Berlin, and a few more others... Ghee!!! i can't wait for this man. It will be winter season when we're there and imagine all the winter clothings we have to bring. Trench coats, sweaters, pull overs, cardigans. Hah!!! Union Jack from London for Syam and Polka Dot umbrella for Dee. Um!?!? just kidding about the Union Jack and Polka Dot. I know for a fact that i wouldnt want to do much shopping due to the expenses and currency exchanges that will be way too expensive. I'd be glad just to be there.

The down side will be that we are going on the 27th Nov to 8th Dec which will be i think on the 4th day of Hari Raya. I'd be missing 2 weeks of rayaing with friends and families. Collection and stuff... well we can't have everything that we want in life can we? Just have to adapt and make do with what's given. Europe... Here i come!?!?!?

2006-08-24T09:54:00.000+08:00

What have i done wrong?
My only motifs are to reach across.
I hate all you now for doing that; thinking that.
Unthoughtfully judging my inner self
What does it mean?
To re-evaluate myself?
Look again to the mirror
and check for the defects
and change for the better?
For you guys?
Fuck NO!!!
Here i thought how nice
it would be to be friends.
But then thanks again
but no thanks.
Hearing those self righteous words
are like too impossible.
Like a snake gliding,
hissing, swivelling
around in my head
with no means to eradicate.
Fuck you, fuck everyone,
fuck myself for thinking there was hope.
Fuck myself for writting this bullshit nonsence.
Read on and understand.
You people may call me whatever.
Well at least i don't unthoughtfully judge people.
The way you people do.
It is just too selfish
too self-centered.
Too stupid enough to
think frst before saying,
blurting all shit kinds of fuck.
Fine, i'll just fuck my side,
and you people can continue to fuck your side.
Freaking judgementals.

2006-08-21T02:59:00.000+08:00

Movies... with sweet endings. Nice endings. Lovable endings. Where the villain/bad guy get killed and the good guy gets to live on happily ever after or so. It makes me smile so peacefully. And also makes me wish that somehow i would like to be in a happy ending with that special someone.

Sounds too much like a fairy tale does it? It most certainly does for my case. Unfortunately for me as always. And as always i would be mentioning this. That i once thought i had my happy ending. Happily ever after kinda thing... I guess i was wrong. But in any case, that was the past and the past is far too long gone for me to reminicence ever so sweetly. No offence to anyone.

And somehow i've always lied to myself that things wouldn't be the same anymore. But then again, the facts had always been right in front there for me to irrelevantly lie to myself. Yep!!! I just hoped for it all to happen. HOPE!!! An indulgence i've come to learn that is far too impossible for me. And if anyone who might be reading this come to think that, "Awe, what happened? Is he ok?"... Haahh!?!?!? Save it... I don't need sympathies, i never needed any of that sorts. I just wish.......... nope... I just hoped for things to at least get better for my sake. HOPE!!! Even though impossible, i still am going to try. I just hoped it is somehow worth my waiting-patience... HOPE!!!

2006-08-20T14:34:00.000+08:00

I've been to about 10-15 or so blogs in the past 20 mins and somehow what i read are all almost the same. Things about love, life, gfs, bfs, that kinda shit. I mean, its ok la but dun anyone have anything better to do than to find yourselves some gfs or bfs or "love". Those blogs that i went to are mostly girls blogs. And i mean when i say "girl", some of them aged about 14 to 17. Even at the young age of 12, kids are getting themselves gfs/bfs and outright declaring themelves in "love" for they don't even know the very jiss of the meaning of it. Well maybe it is still ok though because they might not be as hurt due to them being young and all. But what about those 14-17 range. Get gfs/bfs-get "love"-get dumped-get hurt-come running to friends who have always been there for those indulgence to give comforts.

And yeah, me being a guy will want to say. "Girls, girls!!! they're all the same. They don't look the same though but they definitely think the same." Like somehow all of them are tied together by an unknown force working against us men. I"ve been through enough when they say something but eventually what they do and what the outcome is, it's like totally opposite. That's just unforgivable i think. Well nobody said they couldn't do it though. Its just maybe a handful of those that i might be unfortunate to come across in my past.

And i've disgraced myself for letting myself think there was hope. There was none and never will be. I thought... and seriously i've thought. I thought... but... I shouldn't think, and just give it up.

If somehow in typing all this shits, i have offended someone, anyone. Than i am sorry for it was not of my intention. smiles to you.

2006-08-19T01:07:00.000+08:00

CRYING!!! It somehow is the best way to spontaneously deal with the overwelming emotions at that period of time. Of course never ever in front of the mass. Yep, i've wept just now. I've wept so damn hard that i could never afford it to happen in the public even amongst friends. You see, it is too hard. Too painstaking physically, mentally but most of all emotionally.

Just imagine all the effort that you put onto a particular work(in my case is the rocking chair that i designed for my P3) all of a sudden break, fall apart, tumble down, right in front of your very eyes. Well, not really right in front of my eyes though but near me. I was trying to figure out a place to pin up my panel board then all of a sudden, "Bbrakk!!!". And in a scary way i knew that sound could only be coming from a single source. My single source. Right in front of everyone else. For that split second before i turned to look, i lied to myself telling that "nope that was not mine that broke", "It was not mine. Please don't let it be mine. Please i beg".

The main frame of the back just gave in due to the amount of stress and weight put on it. Yes it was mine that broke. Into 3 different big parts. I knew it wasn't strong and that the MDF was too heavy. But i was still hoping for it to at least break only after the exhibition. I worked so damn hard on it. Although there was no finishing, But still it was the time that i sacrificed, my blood and sweat. All go down the drain in the slightest most seconds ever.

It was painful. Very painful to see. I felt like crying, i felt like smiling, i felt like giving up, i felt like laughing, i felt like screaming, i felt like shit, i felt up to a point where i thought there was no more use in me continuing with anything else. But i just smiled and kept telling everyone, it was okay and all that sorts. But truly deep inside i felt the burn and the urge to jump down and burst and explode to the screechiest cry and scream ever. I've never felt like that in my whole life. And just to have that thought swivelling thru ones mind is much to unbearable.

All i could think of doing next is to run; walk away from the shame and away from everyone else. Which is exactly what i did. I was like walking everywhere, towards everything except back to the design space. And i felt like calling someone, talking to somebody. But who. Who!?!? Then the first person that came to my mind was her. I needed to talk to her. BADLY. But she wasn't around. And i don't have her number. It was painful. The toilet cubicle, the silence and the mirror became my friend for that few minutes. I've never felt this much pain ever since the break up. Which happened quite a long time ago. And no one could ever be prepared for that kind of emotional overhaul. I mean no one!!!

The toilet cubicle, the silence, and the mirror became my friend for that few seconds.

2006-08-18T02:37:00.000+08:00

The inevitable project 3 is alas coming to an end. And this time it really is an end. I have somehow foreseen it that i won't be doing that good after all. The stress and workload is just too much plus the very limited time given to us. Why? why?!?! Must i feel like crap at every end of the day. I cannot sleep. I think too much. I worry alot. I've somehow been rejected in a way. Yet everyday i try my very hard to do things right. I will always fuck it up and here i am. Blogging and ranting in the most ridiculous and irrelevant words that i can ever come up with. Every single time. I'm not okay... I'm not okay... Well i'm not okay. Is just the irritable ring that will always be stuck in my mind. What's the worst that i could say? What's the worst have i done. Shouting yet not even the faintest sound can be heard. I would like to say thanks to some of those who would listen.

But somehow i'm actually begging for this special someone to be the one who would listen. I mean... I like you. Alot i think. And for the past few weeks talking to you i've learnt that you are really a nice person. Your personality, the way you smile, that miraculously makes my day everytime. All that in a way makes me like you even more. I've been giving you hints. Everytime i talk to you. Yet you never see them. Or maybe you do. But you're too shy to do anything. Or maybe that is just not the way you feel and that you couldn't... wouldn't care. I've asked you out twice(i think). The breakfast, i understand is far too early. But the second one... Rejected, shut out, wam, bam, gone. Well it is true when other friends say that it could still be very early. And i mean very. In that way i totally understand. But somehow it lies in the message that you're sending me(the body language kinda thing). It somehow feels wrong, as if we're in the wrong page you and i.

I don't blame that you did said no. You even said maybe next time. So there's no problem. And i am not giving up yet. You're the sweetest thing i've ever seen. And i am literally going gaga. Anyone can say that i sound stupid, lame and all that sorts. But i can't deny that i'm like having the school boy's crush. And who cares what anyone else thinks... Seriously.

And i've side tracked there for a bit. Back to P3. Yes!!! I've done it. It's the end now. I've finished the skeleton chair, and im eve so proud of my design. Yea you there can say that i am Farhan and that i can do it. Uhuh!!! I did it. But... There will always be a "but" in my rantings.

But my chair is far too heavy. Much heavier than how i wanted it too be. I've used the wrong materials. The MDF boards that i used for the ribs -although only 15mm- is too thick making the overall chair too heavy backwards. I'm going nuts getting this kinds of obstacles/hindrance at this times, the peak of it. I am dead... I seriously am dead. There's no finishing and i actually intended for it to be that way. Because the chair is supposed to be made out of White Pine which is wood of course. But theres no grains on MDF so it really is pointless to even varnish and that sorts.

I've done the CAID here to actually show the Pine wood and the finest italian leather upholstery. For those who doesn't know what i'm talking about when i always mention about 3D drawing and CAID. Well here it is. The drawing and mapping of the materials and chair along with a reflective wall and marble flooring. The strips are just extras by using photoshop to follow my own theme of RHYTHM and lines.

So there it is, as i've mentioned the inevitable is here. 18th Aug 2006. And i've yet to print my panel board which i am planning to do so by 10am later on. Hopefully i can wake up early at around 8 am which gives me enough journey time to be at Peace Centre by around 9 am when the printing shop open then be back at school at 10 plus like that. Or i shouldn't sleep thinking that if i sleep now at 3.30 in the morning i won't be able to wake up. dunno lah eh!?!?

Finally to conclude this unusually long post be me... I am relieved that P3 is finally done and over. And to you... Yes you Liane. I like you sincerely. There i've said it. The name and my feelings for the name mentioned. I'm not ashamed anymore. I like you and i think that you're really sweet. I'm not sure that you will be reading this or never. But if you do read this, it is ok if you're not on the same page as i am. And in a way i would never want you to be obligated to like me just because i do(mentioning this just in case). Just be the gorgeous person that you are. The stoner, daydreamer, fun girl that i've come to learn about. If somehow that came out wrong... Sorry. Just trying to be cocky and hopefully funny here. So smiles to you.

2006-08-14T20:19:00.000+08:00

So how guys? About the Pines Country Club thing. Are we on? are we game? C'mon, it is a once in a lifetime chance. But sadly even for me it comes at a very very freakingly wrong timing. And for those who doesnt know what's happening... The Esoteric had a lobang to play for a bar i think at Pines Country Club under a contract of 1-2 years. Okay lets see at statistics here for a minute if we do take it.

We'll be under contract for 1-2 years and our schedule will be from Mondays-Saturdays, 7pm to 5am daily, pay will be i think around $1800/mth/person. Nice right? The Esoteric gets composure, get to perform live, and somehow it gives us a chance to improve ourselves, and we get paid by just performing. How cool is that?

And lets look at the cons here... The Esoteric is currently only doing 9 songs including originals and covers. We'll be playing at a daily basis and are we to be playing that songs over and over? I thought we could do alot of covers. That would be fine (so 1 cons down, i think). Plus if we do take it, we might be doing it after Dan's 'N' Levels. That means it is going to be starting around next semester of poly. Which by then Syam and i will be taking our FYP(Major Project). Are we mad??? The hours are like too long even. Finishing late and all. For some of us, we're still schooling.

Hmm... So what now? Let's get together and think of it. A jamming session get together kinda thing.

And Dan... Are we on for your school's graduation party. Ask the teacher in-charge ASAP please. We are a nice bunch of people. We don't spread hatred and violence through our songs but instead fun, life, and magic. So i seriously think we're ok in that department.

2006-08-10T01:02:00.000+08:00

I think that you hate me, and if im correct. Than sorry if i ever bothered you. So smiles to you.

2006-08-07T22:23:00.000+08:00

When "great love" is rejected, something in a man somehow dies... withers... fades away. Never to be brought back. And so there's nothing there left but to run, away. Far from wherever he used to put hope on. Nothing anyone can do to "revive" him back to the man he was/used to be. Running away seems to be the best option. Away from problems, miseries, and complications. But is he happy? What dya think? Of course not. Day and night he'll never stop blaming himself for being the idiot that he is. Looking into the mirror could conjure much hatred deep within himself.

He blames himself for everything. Nothing is someone else's fault except for him. He knew deep inside for no matter the time nor effort that he could try to put in, He will never be trusting the word LOVE nor companionship. It is just to painful, unbearable to even have the thought swivelling through the mind. And it is ever so hard to let loose of that thought. How could things ever come to this?

Day by day he copes wearily. Smilling when he's needed, giving what is wanted and helping where he could. All except for when HE needs, wants... All he could do now is to smile. Hoping for a return smile from that favourite corner of his. Just waiting for a return. Something. Please!!!

2006-08-05T14:44:00.000+08:00

Where'd you go all the time? I wait and wait yet you're never there and still i wait hoping for positive results. The "her" section is always empty and yet i wait. There's just something in those eyes that seems to capture my very soul. It somehow brings back a little joy in my lost and sickly delirious self. It allows me to smile even when times are not looking to good for me. Yes you gave me hope and in a way brings some life back.

And i don't think that you'll be reading this let alone come to my site. But i'm just hoping that you do. Somehow. smiles...

2006-08-03T23:51:00.000+08:00

Depression... Sadness... Stoned... Deprived... Lost... Anger... Hatred... Venting... All the words that could describe me nows. Seconds seems like minutes, minutes seems like hours. It just takes too long to see past a minute on my watch. It seems that an hour ago, i checked the time on my monitor screen it showed 23:49. Now it is only like 23:50. I hate being like this. All trapped and bound down. Tied up to your hands and legs and everywhere. Left alone to master your hunger... the silence... you numbing chaotic head... the random beats of your chest. It all comes together like recipes to a successful main course -mental disorder-.

Hah!! seriously lah, i don't know what to do. Except to rant it out at least hoping for someone who could just be friend to me and lend an ear. I've been a friend have i not? I've listened have i not? I've cried along have i not? Please someone, out there (who might be listening/reading) be my friend for this period of time.

I'm crying but all too dried. I'm screaming, all too shallow. I'm jumping, raising my hands, but too short. I'm dying, and die alone i shall. I can't do it anymore. I shan't do it anymore. I couldn't... I'm giving up. I don't think i can carry it on like this for any longer. Its too....... Heavy!!!

2006-08-02T20:43:00.000+08:00

Help! Anyone... Anybody... I am lost. Everything seems to be tumbling down all over me. It all seems like a series of huge nightmares coming together all at once. All of a sudden stress levels are yet again shooting up plus issues here and there popping like nobody's business. Argh!! it is stressing, i can't take it. Taking for example just now... I somehow feel that there is something very wrong that is making me so worried and clearly out of my mind. Coming to take control and think about it. There are really things that is so going out of hands. The Never Ending P3 (submission dates getting ever so close), the lost of my sis's (thousand plus dollar worth) Olympus Digital camera (which is almost making me feel like a total out cast in my own family), video editting assignment which is so tedious and taking loads of time, APEL submissions, plus all other issues that are too much to even be mentioned.

I am clearly going mad. I hate this so damn much. I feel like dropping everything. I cannot take it anymore. HaaaaahhHh!!! This is too intense for one person to handle. Help please! I need help. I seriously feel like crying. Plus thoughts of me jumping out this window towards peace, and away from troubles. TROUBLES... Please!!! Help!!! Honestly and sincerely i ask for help...

2006-07-31T05:29:00.000+08:00

I was a young boy that had big plans.
Now I'm just another shitty old man.
I don't have fun and I hate everything.

The world owes me, so fuck you.

Glory days don't mean shit to me.
I drank a six pack of apathy.
Life's a bitch and so am I.

The world owes me, so fuck you

Wasted youth and a fistful of ideals.
I had a young and optimistic point of view.
Wasted youth and a fistful of ideals.
I had a young and optimistic point of view.

I've decomposed, yet my gut's getting fat.
Oh my god I'm turning out like my dad.
I'm always rude I've got a bad attitude.

The world owes me so fuck you.

The wife's a nag and the kid's fucking up.
I dont have sex cause i cant get it up.
I'm just a grouch sitting on the couch.

The world owes me so fuck you.

Artist: Green Day
Song Title: The Grouch
Album: Nimrod

2006-07-30T07:51:00.000+08:00

hA HA... Someone now really needs to go and get a life man. We could all just see whose the one now feeling insecured and afraid to lose their so called girlfriend. Ha Ha!!! And for those other listeners... I'm not saying that im the one "stealing" the bloody gf away lah. Sorry sikit eh! No feelings no nothing. And as a matter of fact, i seriously don't give 2 shits about whether or not they are even together or not. Been over it for quite some time now. All i have to say is "Good luck, live happily. And just please don't come running to friends during or aftermath of the relationship problems. It just sucks. Smiles!!!

2006-07-30T06:48:00.000+08:00

Hah!?! At Costa Sands Resort right now and its like almost 7 in the morning. It is Dee's, Dan's and Fad's birthday... Theme is, the attack of the psychedelic, retro and au-go-go night. Wohoo!!! Bring on Kassim Selamat, A. Romzi and bla bla. I want to wish them the happiest happy birthday ever. Each one turning 20, 16 and 18 respectively. Love ya'll beh bey.

2006-07-28T04:10:00.000+08:00

Haaah!?!? The wait and the thinking about it is just to agonizing for me. I don't sleep well, my thoughts are always pondering on the same issue and it is all making me really want to do it. I was once told -ever since shit happens- that there are far more better fish to "fry" out there. And yes, alas i've finally found my "shiny angel fish" who somehow made me want to do it all over again. I seriously thought that after death took it's toll on me, i would give up on what you call "companionship/courtship". But without even knowing it, she already changed my views on some of the facts that i tried to keep telling myself.

"That life's unfair and i can never trust the ultimate, universal word -LOVE-"

Slow down there... I am not about to say that i love her. NO no NO no NO!!!! That's just stupid and dumb for i don't even know the slightest thing about her. The only thing i know is she's just this sweet, cute and pretty girl who's in her year2 of PID. I don't even know her full name lah.

I would like to call it a crush... An intense one for that matter. The agonizing thing is -for the millionth time- the act of me actually talking or simply start a conversation. It just pisses me off somehow that i've got all these things to say, things to ask. But when it comes to the time where timing is right/perfect to start a conversation, i get all unfocused, speechless, and shaky. Thus of course by the time she walked away, i've already be "peeing in my pants". Grrr!!! How do they do it? I seriously need a book about "How To Talk To A Girl You Like In 3 Simple Steps". I'd actually be more glad if it is 10 simple steps. 3 Steps is just too stressing for an overly low self-esteem guy like me. I seriously need expertise from professionals. Because at this rate that i'm going, it could be too late for me and i could be too old for anyone to even date with. Hah!?!?!

2006-07-26T17:36:00.000+08:00

definitely cruising around on cloud 9... A cliche but who cares. Hmm!! All i would want to hope for is that it is not just me who is "perasaan". I'm somehow happy today, that i said hello, and i smiled and bla bla... Abit kental lah but then again. Who cares what anyone thinks correct? Definitely my sweetest eye candy ever man. Once if she were to be around in my vicinity, then i betcha that Farhan can never lay his eyes away. Looking... mesmerizing... perasaaning... smiling. Haiz!?! Should i ask her to movies with us? would you guys mind if i brought a date? (that is if i asked and she agreed) Which at the moment now i havent the guts to really go up yet. Argh!?!

I like you... You know that. You yes you... But you don't know who you are. Should i tell you or should i just try to be friends with you first? But damn i really do like you.

2006-07-22T23:13:00.000+08:00

Yes, i'm done with my mock-up model of my rocking chair (my own design). For the first time i actually finish quite early and not the usual last minute me. Hah!! Proud to be me. Anways ya it is here. the day after tommorow. The end. Waah!?!?

Dammit, i make it sound so awful as if it is some kind of judgement day. Well, for those who don't know... IT IS!!! some sort of a judgement day for us all seniors. Lecturers will all be there ready to critique your work bombarding you with loads of rationalistic questions and in a way they will be judging your each and every move. Doesn't that make it a judgement day too? It really does and it is also gruesomely scary when you get those lecturers (that won't be named) who will always have difficult questions and always have something to say. But! if you're ready - which i would want to be - then there's seriously nothing to worry about. Right!? Plus there will definitely be the minority "spoil market" people who will always have something (good) extra to show that in a way give us the majorities a shamed face/ bad name. Ah! This is definitely scary shit man. No doubt about it. I am never good at this presentations.

2006-07-22T03:08:00.000+08:00

Hi! Ya its me Farhan a year 3 pid senior. Anyways i was wondering if i could ask you about someone. You see, i've been wondering to know her name and some other stuff. But somehow it still seems that im working on it (and looks like im going to have to work harder). Yup, back to what my motifs are, she's the one wearin................

What the hell am i doing dammit. C'mon Farhan, stop being a pussy and be a man. Act like a matured male adult and stop this stupid primary school shit. Aaahh!?!? This is what i hate the most. Trying to push myself and get pushed by others to actually step up and ask her the freaking question. Right there and then just ask nicely for her name and if she would like to go for movies or what nots. My goodness how can it be this hard... WAAaaaaAHAHH!?!?!

But then again, what if i really did go ahead and suddenly, miracly conjure up this dreamy courage to ask her what i wanted to. I imagined the scenario back and forth in my head as if it happened yesterday.

Im there in the school lift with her and all her friends, and suddenly i turned, "I'm not of any good at this so i'm just going to say it," and sweatingly i continue, "Hi! my name is Farhan and what is yours."

While all her friends are watching in amaze and awe.

"Would you want to go out for movies or anything with me? We could watch this (bla bla) and we could get something to eat after that, you choice."

My point is that what will they think whatever it is that they're thinking especially her. That there is this stalker guy asking me out for a date? That this weirdo actually think he have a chance? What?????? Just thinking about all these could make me go boinkers.

This is my goal though. The week where Project 3 finishes, one of those days i am definitely going to ask her out. No matter the consequences of what she might actually think or how she react (hopefully positive though). I am going to do it. I am going to somehow conjure that courage from wherever i could scrape from and i am going to do it.

Please... Oh please, oh please oh please make it a smooth sailing for me. Don't make me sweat too damn much. Don't make me stutter and be lost for words. And please make me look good and have a very good first impression on her.

2006-07-21T00:47:00.000+08:00

I believe in you and me

I'm coming to find you

If it takes me all night

Wrong until you make it right

And i won't forget you

At least i'll try

And run, and run tonight

Everything will be alright

I was out shopping for a doll

To say the least, i thought i've seen them all

But then you took me by surprise

I'm dreaming bout those dreamy eyes

I never knew, i never knew

So take your suitcase, cause i don't mind

You don't need to compromise

I'm dreaming bout thoe dreamy eyes

I never knew, i never knew

But it's alright

Everything will be alright

Artist: The Killers

Album: Hot Fuss

Title: Everything Will Be Alright

Cool song with a very slow beat to it. And the lyrics, thought it meant something but eventually it took a turn and meant something totally opposite...

2006-07-18T23:39:00.000+08:00

The tables are set. Everything is in place. Pawns are moving. The inevitable is here. This is it, the final push towards the end. The home stretch to what might be a grade fulfilling ending or a disastrous one... Who knows?!?!

Anyways mine is definitely all set. Every piece of wood or cardboard had been cut out ready for the final assembly. Just to put in the final touches like sanding down sharp edges and the speakers. Ppt finish apart from the sketches (yet to be scanned) and CAID to be starting on tonight. 7 days left to the final crit... Grading session... shish!

2006-07-17T19:17:00.000+08:00

Sitting there all alone left to mend and look after the bags while all others left for moshing and stuff, i see people walking on by in twos/pairs. And ironically being an idiot as i was, there was this sudden and mysterious gush of longing feelings that i had. Been how long? 5 months? 6 months? Not quite sure but definitely been too damn long that's what. Too damn long but somehow i could still remember the feelings. About how it all felt, is it all true? All still a mystery to me ever since the inevitable day it happened. A very abrubt ending to a very emotional attachement. Shit... Why in the name of fucking hell are my mind, thoughts and feelings betraying the very soul it ives in. I said no, never again would i let it happen. Or maybe it never did went away. Too many things happening now. No such luxury for time. Too many good things going on for me right now and i could never let this, whatever i'm feeling disrupt it. Is this what i really want? Anyways i am still young in every senses. So it don't matter what i say for i don't really know the very jiss of what i really want. So long...

2006-07-17T02:40:00.000+08:00

I forgot to blog about 9 days left but nvm because now it is... 8 Days left (and still hauntingly counting) till the end. My goodness gracious me. How am seriously going to finish everything? Mock-up not done yet (unfinished yet), just like started to fill in the blanks on my powerpoint, but CAID on ALIAS and illustrator not even touched. hmm!!! The ending will be very tight indeed. Tommorow going to Sungai Road to get me a pair of speakers for the chair. Saw one perfect pair of speakers going at 25 bucks just now but not sure if i should buy. Not sure at all about the wiring but luckily i've got relatives who knows these wiring stuff that could help me. So tommorow early i'm going to get those speakers and get started on them. Push aside the mock-up for a day longer and after that the home run. Even for the CAID... starting tommorow. HOME RUN... This is the grueling time where we find out whether or not we made it or we fucked it. As simple as that. I for one is sure as hell don't want to be fucked...

2006-07-15T02:04:00.000+08:00

Shit... 10 more days (and still eariely counting). And this is the weekends thus no workshop meaning no work that can be done over the 2 days... My god how in the world am i suppose to finish everything. I was planning to finish cutting the 15 ribs when someone asked me to help them. Time is short please. And i don't mean to be bad or not helpful or selfish... I really don't mean to be all that. But please everyone of us got the same dateline even me. I too got work to do, cutting to be done. My god, i seriously felt like crying there and then in the workshop. The pressure of time plus not being able to say no to a friend. Maybe i could say it out here but please don't be offended or anything. And please try to get over the fear of using the machines to cut your slabs of wood. You're a year 3 now and some of us have been through accidents and tried to get over with. Me myself, i almost tore my index finger and middle finger while using the machine (the belt sanding machine). But i get over it and not let it huant me till i can't even finish the given datelines. Please and i am so sorry that i can't be of much help. My own furniture is not done yet. And until then i won't be of much help to anyone. Maybe just a little bit here an there no problem. But not to cut a whole chunk of wood for them. Sorry...

2006-07-14T03:37:00.000+08:00

11 Days left (and counting). Loads of cutting done today. Both sides of the rocking frame is done plus 10 ribs. All i'm left with is 15 ribs which i hopefully can finish by tommorow. Plus the joints and putting all the pieces together like some huge jigsaw puzzle. Not so complicated but still very tedious and delicate.

And i hope to finish or get close to finishing the 15 ribs left by before 3+ or 4+. For Baybeats is starting tommorow. I don't want to miss them Baybeats man. Faster finish this P3 (get good grades) and be done with it.

2006-07-13T01:27:00.000+08:00

12 Days left (and still counting!). Loads of dimensioning done today. Only left aside for cutting and sanding down. Not until the damn bandsaw is fixed. And year 1s and 2s... please steo aside for awhile for us year 3s. I can't afford to wait all the freaking time to just sand down a cm of wood. and do use the machines wisely and not break it down... We all have a timeline here so why don't all of us help the year 3s to quickly finish up those enormous furnitures and bicycles for the final crit ok... Im not sure how many of you are reading and im not quite caring about it but just for the record. Stop Messing With The Machines. We need them to cut thick slabs of wood. Thank you very much.

2006-07-12T00:56:00.000+08:00

Another tiring and draining ending to a full's day of work. Working all the way from 1 pm to 9 pm doing nothing but spend time there in the workshop finishing up on the scaled and detailed mock-up of my rocking chair. But of course with occassional breaks in between whereby the workshop is either closed for lunch or rest. That's where i got my smoke break. And of course i become quite a smoke machine after few hours of not smoking and burying myself in heeps of work.

OK... The final crit is on the 24th of July. And that means i have 13 days left (and counting!) to finish up on everything including the presentations and CAID. So far i've not touched on both mentioned but the status of my rocking chair macquette is now i think up to 30%-40%. Definitely getting there.

13 days left (and counting)....

2006-07-10T01:39:00.000+08:00

Life seems to work in such ways that us men, those women, minority/ majority gays and lesbians can never understand. One moment you thought you had it all. Love, life, status, etc, etc, and etc. And the next split second moments it all seemed to be wooshed away by some unknown freaky shits. And finally or not, it all seems to woosh back in to lifes that are once shaken and might still be. There's nothing anyone can do to help but to move on and accept and adapt with what they're left or what they gained. Pointless really when you try to fight it. Just freaking accept it.

Life problem number one right now (i think) is= Relationship shits!!! Damn problematic if you're in one. What i think is cut your losses and have fun with what amount of life you have left. It might be hard and easier said than done. In fact it is very hard for those who are dealing with the problems themselves. Just try it on for size. Don't just bitch about it... Do it. I am serious about this. Been there and definitely with witnesses that i've done that. Do something about it go on. Don't just wait down there for some miracle shit to come tumbling down. It won't happen girl; boy; gays; lesbians. Thank you and goodnight.

Along Came Polly

2006-07-08T00:45:00.000+08:00

Have anyone seen Along Came Polly? I mean it's not a new movie or anything. I just saw it on HBO so that really proves it is not new. Anyways about the movie for those who doesn't know. It starrs Jennifer Aniston and This guy whom i forgot his name (the actor who played as Focker in Meet The Parents). Cool movie, great show. A romantic comedy about moving on and leaving the past behind, finding someone new and taking it one step at a time and of course saving what's left of your pride and dignity. Lessonse to be learned, stories to be told. Apparently i think i've seen it before but i don't remember. Anyways i don't care and i don't mind at all. I love to repeat watching movies over and over... But only if they're good movies. Really good movies. The ones i love.

2006-07-06T04:19:00.000+08:00

I might have been an old fool after all. Ah!!! anyways who cares, i know i am way wiser and smarter now... I think. I really love rhythm and repetitions when it comes to design, music, art forms etc etc etc. But sometimes repetitions can really be a bore and an irritating, annoying thing when it comes to changing into something else. For example lets take an art form, you really loved the form and movement of the whole aspect. But if suddenly this form begins to change still keeping its repetition form though, becoming something totally different, annoying, mind bugging, unforgivable something. It totally changes peoples' perception and understanding of it. Into something negative (maybe/most probably). Something so out of the blue from other's mind-set that it is just unforgivable. Even so it is still an art form, a masterpiece. I just don't understand how all this works really. Am i just to accept the form, movement and flow of the masterpiece? Adapt to it? Or look into another form of art, design, music... Something different that will still capture my awe and amazement like it did to the previous piece. I definitely cannot and don't have the right to change, the changed mind bugging art form as it was not my will to do so.

OK!!! don't understand? Imagine this for a moment. Take for example a particular form (your favourite) like maybe Cubism or the play of lines or sections or repetitions and etc etc etc. Maybe we choose Cubism for reference here. You like it so much, and you think it is the best way for you to express you design ideas and influences and concepts and etc etc etc. You begin to trust the concept of it by applying to all your design processes. All your sketches or masterpieces and etc etc etc, something pertaining to life maybe (up to you to imagine). Then you submit your work having all the confidence you could ever have in this design/ masterpiece. And you failed, terribly. Maybe if once it is quite ok because you might make mistakes somewhere down the line of the design process. But time after time you're always disappointed by failing and failing yet again. It gets annoying and unforgivable right? Its like shit like what the fuck in the world did i do wrong here. Correct?

So what do i do? What does anyone do from then on? Keep repeating the same mistakes in trusting all your life's work and effort into believing this form of art could bring out the best of you? YES??? NO??? I don't know, you choose. Your so called "career" as a designer or an artist doesn't end there. It really doesn't. So what do you do?

And if one day you get this design brief or a struck of inspiration flow that you really think could work the best with your initial favourite form (even after you've moved on clearly to having other favourite forms). Do you leave it to a game of chance by saying yes? or decide firmly by saying no? Up to anyone, everyone to decide really. Remembering one thing in mind though. Which is to have the final goal in mind. Would your design/ masterpiece be accepted? What could be so much different that (is all positive) this form you come to like and love initially could have a greater, newer, fresh impact on you? Think about it...

And for those who don't quite understand what i am blabbering about here, it is OK. I myself am not quite sure what all this that i've said really means. It just somehow relates to me one way or another. Somehow...

2006-07-05T01:05:00.000+08:00

When will all this be over? Sketches here... Renderings there... Scaled macquettes/mock-ups everywhere... Yup lately i've ranting about how busy i was and yes i really am. Sleepless nights covering myself with loads of project work. Well actually there's only one project for this month but still the work load is enormous and definitely very demanding. A picture prefect detailed CAID rendering yet again. Plus showing all the components and i really mean all the components down to the nuts and bolts of my rocking chair coming together on animation. That is crazy my goodness. And on top of that, we have to deliver all of these by around next 2 weeks on the 20th July. That is when our final crit will happen and that is what determines whether or not we passed with merit, just a pass or yup fail. I've gotten between a "C" and a "C+" for my interim crit the other day. So this means i definitely have to buck up for this one. This will somehow in a way be judging whether or not some of us are good product designers or maybe bad ones. The final leap before the inevitable Final Year Project. Thinking and rousing about this in my waking time really makes me want to cry. Please let us all pray for the grades of all our PID seniors students to get through this leap. Especially me. This coming crit session is very scary to the core. So to all you PID seniors, good luck and carry on working hard with at least a goal on mind. At Least!!

2006-07-02T03:25:00.000+08:00

My god, that was one great gig dammits. Ska gig held at The Arts House. Of course i never skanked. Wanted to la but... Me?!? Skank?!? "be real Farhan!!!" Anyways, got Fishtank gerek... Cesspit and all. Power!!! I was utterly speechless when i heard their "In The Sun". And hearing the vocalist from Comic Strip. Wa'doh, sedap gila dong!!! Great control of voice and she really sound like No Doubts"s singer. Haiyoh!?!

Then this really got all of us -Me, Syam, and Dee- roused, thinking, and jealousing about... When will our turn to rock come? This gig nevermind. Still got the Bay Beats and those bands e.g AVA, Pinholes and what nots performing. Haiyoh!?!? Im still waiting for the day when we will be getting our fame and glory as The Esoteric. Our music is ready than ever with 4 original. In the process of coming up with new originals. Slowly. And we will be covering the song "Push Push" by The Quest. Patience... Inspiration... Hard work... Dedication... Commitment... Effort and we will definitely be there. The Esoteric... signing off.l

2006-06-27T22:07:00.000+08:00

Not enough sleep. Not sleeping for 2 days plus. working hard on Project 3's interim crit plus rushing to scan in sketches early in the morning in school; and staying all the way till almost 9 pm listening to others present; at last i myself plus 10 others didnt get to present. Suei man. Worked so hard with eyes jolting out already then, "ok guys, i think we continue tommorow." Haiyoh one!! Nang bo ti nang, tui bo ti tui.....

Well anyways... i saw my princess just now in the studio and in the IAD CAD lab while scanning. Of course seeing her made my day but definitely cannot show outright to them that i was smiling. Really malu and what if she and her friends saw?!? They would think why in the world is this guy smiling about -Gilaa-. Hmm!! The computer she used for her rendering was offed and that really made her pissed. But nonetheless, it never stopped to surprise me that she looks so hot and gorgeous while being angry. I melt right through my skin. Hmm!!! If she only knew how much i liked her... sigh!!! But cannot lah, i won't stand a chance. Sometimes you just know that you're way out of their league. Haiyah nevermind... Anyways girls; they come they leave but this one definitely left an impression on me. A damn good one. My gorgeous foxy lady...

2006-06-23T05:23:00.000+08:00

hours of sleep... almost zero, amount of fats gained... plus plus, amount of work to be done... countless, numbers of holidays... none at all, amount of work done... not sure, girlfriends at the moment... NIL, so on and so forth. Sounds abit like Bridget Jones style, the reason being i just watched it on HBO. Now time is 5.30 in the a.m. And suddenly a flashback of sweetness and romance overcame me. I can't believe i still remembered the first time when i watched The Bridget Jones: Edge of Reasons when it was first shown in cinemas. Hmm!! Really romantic that night.

Anyways, counting the work i've done... Rendering at last finished can submit tommorow (as in today later on). Currently doing the scaled down macquette of my rocking chair. Hisyam being one of the "experts"from IAD in doing this scaled down mounting board models helped me. I am really lucky to have friends that could help at times like these when my hairs are literally falling off. He's agreed to do the cutting and pasting while i do the painstaking scaled measurements 1 by 1. Its ok thanks alot pal. Cultural Anthropology done so that means no more classes on Fridays plus the Mondays and the Thursdays. Cool!! Hopefully i can pay more attention to P3 and not be wondering off to town all the time. About work, roughly i am on track except to prepare the ppt presentation and of course the macquette.

Looking at the circumstances and states of those relationship and couple problems, us singles are beginning to be the mediators and mentors here. Seriously why ask us when we don't make it work either. I mean some of us like myself may be willing to help but at certain points, almost every points it is their choice to choose. We could listen, say a few words or in other related cases much more than a few words. But what does it help if it literally and i mean seriously goes in one ear and out the other? We have to repeat ourselves, that one still quite ok but for those whom 24/7 talk about nothing else but that same stressing thing, it too becomes stressing and straining for those listeners. Don't get me wrong, i'm not only talking for myself but also on behalf of other listeners... It is not that we don't want to be a friend and help. It is just that if you choose to share with us hoping for feedbacks and help in telling you what to do, please and i mean please do listen to us also and do take what we say into considerations. Go in go up, not go in then go out again. Catch my drift so far?

And make up your damn minds. I don't mean to offend anyone but seriously 90% of those problematic seems to not know what to do even if we told them in the simplest English possible. When us listeners say, "stop thinking about it, go out, have fun, think about other stuff, have fun with us." It means stop talking about it because talking and thinking about it just makes it all worse. SERIOUSLY worse than to just go out and have a laugh with friends and pals. Don't give the same ol', "dunno lah, cannot lah, stress lah, argh!! shish!! susah lah." Just stop it, drop it and leave it. It helps people, try it, it works. And lastly... please dun take what i say as any offence but in a way to help. Aw Koon Chrann!!!

2006-06-22T01:18:00.000+08:00

Been to hell and back... almost literally my god. Been busy in school not sleeping for like 3 plus days straight i can definitely call myself a part time insomniac now. Busy with the panel boards, ppt, presentations, and of course the CAID and Project 3. I am like really kena suei to the core for Caid. Started the rendering process last friday but even until Monday, the loading is not finished, the suei part comes in when suddenly the computer hangs and walla... Have to restart the rendering process all over again (rendering is the process where you start loading frame by frame to put it all together into a quick animation on windows media player). I started again on that same Monday and its Wednesday night and i am still at 90 out of 100 frames. Damn cialat man... Hopefully can submit by tommorow. Don't even ask when is the deadline. After that never mind, summore got P3 and interim crit coming up on this coming Tuesday. Have to prepare everything like, brief, matrix board, mood board, mind map, sketches, hand rendering, maybe a Caid drawing to show the different views. Slowly can... Farhan determined by looking at all his peers working hard rendering and sketching. Wish me luck, better yet, pray for me.

2006-06-17T05:38:00.000+08:00

All i have to do is smile. Not smirking nor am i grinning. Its just a segment of our lives. Something i would also like to call Karma (What goes around comes around). I've been the terrible one once going through all the hardships and so called "emo sessions". But when i look back at the past and present knowing the state i am in now. All i can do is smile. A little bit of concern though. Just felt the urge to go there and comfort maybe suggesting what to do what to think. But then again should i? I've been through it and somehow seems(maybe) that i still am going through it. But... I'm at this phase right now where i have total control. Never really imagined that this day/time would come. All i can say is relax buuk!! As a friend i suggest, try not to be alone and try not to ponder much about it. I understand the moment you said what you did. Think about having fun and laughing with close friends who will always give you support. Dun worry be happy...

2006-06-15T03:35:00.000+08:00

Tell me; could someone be totally cruel and unforgiving to state such things. Give your self some respect and if not at least give us guys some form of credibility please. This is certainly why your so called "chickies" say to never trust us men. With attitude like that. Chill bro!!

2006-06-15T03:19:00.000+08:00

Please i beg... I want Alkaline trio's new album called Crimson. I want it i want it badly. That day i was over at Heeren HMV, i listened to the album. Skipping songs and tracks to listen to the overall album. Damn gerek seh!! Like literally wow to the core. I seriously have a thing for 3 piece bands.. Anyways if anyone was guessing what i really want for my b'day is the album ok. Although my b'day passed already, be ready for me for the next year. Kalau ada yang nak kasi advanced pun no problem. ALKALINE TRIO the top band in my list next to Green Day as always.

2006-06-12T00:04:00.000+08:00

Condolences

I've heard that a close to heart friend of mine will be going through an operation of some sorts. Will be removing the painful growth on her neck and lower back. Hearing this really brings me to an "awe" moment because i do know that in any type of operations may it be lethal or not, there will always be a risk percentage. Not really sure about this one though but i do hope she turns out ok. Anyways, just want to let that person know; her friends including me will always be there. And lastly i want to apologise any of my mistakes that i've wronged her whether or not its intentional or accidental. Don't worry and be happy always. smiles!!

2006-06-10T02:04:00.000+08:00

Just a fact

For those single shy guys, although it is just a story which is after all just fictional, it is kind off true that if you really are into this girl; do not waste much time when it comes to showing her how you really feel.. Of course dun just be stupid enough to go up and blatantly say, "i think i like you". If you do that and if you're lucky enough, she won't be ignoring you for the rest of your life. But the very bottomline is, don't take a lifetime just to tell someone you really like her. Just make sure that you're noticed by maybe smiling or saying hi. Then to friends... really close friends. Then after that kick in to 2nd gear. The 3rd and 4th gear we all know what that means so no need to mention here. Believe me when i say that i understand how it really feels to be shy like hell just to stand there right in front of that angelic figure and give a smile. Really susah as for my case also. She is really a sight to look at my dear bloggers/readers. She is this chinese girl i unfortunately do not know which is in the same course as i am. She's a year two. Help anyone!!!

2006-06-07T02:50:00.000+08:00

I'm Sorry

This apology goes out to those i've repeatedly and childishly wronged. Those that were not named and won't ever be named. I might have stated harsh things that could be totally absurd; Who knows. I am truly sorry. It is really hard to lose someone you really loved; As for my case, it has been 5 years that i loved her. What's even harder is the post period where i must face the facts that at the end i will be walking alone. Moving on is the toughest yet for me. And that is the reason why i totally changed to being someone i know i'm not. I am sorry for the mean things that i've mentioned to the guy and also to you (plus also those others that i've wronged). Please do accept my apology. I'm sincere. If you still hate me for doing what i did, then let it be. I'm sorry for being a jerk, and i'm sorry for the times that i can't make you happy. I'm sorry

2006-06-05T01:28:00.000+08:00

Tired.. Buey tahan...

After a long time of not working in an F&B line, for example Marche Movenpick; The Kendarat job just now was seriously tiring to the core. Its like working in a restaurant (except this is at the void deck at Yew Tee) with very very minimal "staff". There were only nine of us to jaga the whole wedding ceremony.. As in clear plates wipe tables and stuff. But even so, it was confusing and chaotic plus of course tiring when packs and packs of human came. To add to the chaos, it was even more *speechless* when the groom came with the rest of his rombongan. It was seriously hot and draining juggling dirty utensils and plates plus towering glasses from one table to the dishwashing corner. And imagine all the crowd with me in the middle trying to figure out how to get to the dishwashing without dropping or spilling or hitting any of the guests. Wah Lau Wey!!! Hectic seh. Anyways made it through from around 10.30 am to about 5.30 pm and we were given 50 bucks each (cash). Less than 8 hours of work and we got $50 easy. There was no such things when i was in Marche dammit.

One more thing, about my iPod, was listening on the bus ride home with Hisyam when the battery ran out. So at home quickly on computer and charge. But then neither the computer nor itunes nor My Computer detects the iPod. Decided to leave it for awhile but much to my utter amazement, the iPod hangs lah.. Feel like crying also got lah. Dee said have to wait until the battery dies out again. Shit!!If it doesnt i am definitely going to the Apple Centre tommorow and demand an explanation (or maybe a new one??). That is what they all say... Something wrong with iPod-go Apple Centre-get new one!!! If not i will still demand something because the warranty is still very much liable. But cannot seh.. What about my projects and school stuff inside? Argh!!!!! Hopefully it doesnt contain anything that is still very important. Shit to the max!?!?!?

2006-06-02T01:17:00.000+08:00

1st of all, you have got to realise that your words arent really that noble. You do offend me and you don't even realise it. And as i was thinking, if you could be offensive as you are, then you have got to be able to accept offences. What now? You want to fucking kill me? I fucking dare you chump.. I've been dying for too long.

2006-06-01T02:14:00.000+08:00

This really sucks!!

But i am just gonna do it anyways. No. 1) Why do you always think about yourself? No. 2) Do you do that often, think about yourself only? No. 3) Why must arrogance and ego take its toll on you letting you to always think about yourself? (No offence, i don't need any more add ons to the fucking commotion) No.4 ) As i've thought so, that particular someone must have asked you to check my blog like she always used to ask me to check yours (I might be wrong but again who cares..) No. 5) I was fucking afraid of loosing my girlfriend... WAS afraid!!!! Seriously there are other better "chickies" (if i might quote someone before) out there. And lastly the No. 6) Stop thinking about yourself.

Seriously dude!! about the views, it is not mine. I have no views about it, i experienced it..... Alot of other people have been coming up to me and telling me their own views which sums up to be what i experienced. So i am just the messenger because i feel like messaging it. So to the affiliated party, my friend whoever you are?!?!? I don't think there will be a fifth time so don't bother preaching to the tagboard about, "a matter of time", "a combination of two souls inclined to each other bla bla bla". And Hidayah!!! Haiz!?!?!? I seriously thought you were the one but then like dee said, "Farhan, there are better girls out there than to hook your hands on this one". Enough ok...... I don't want to get jailed.

2006-05-31T00:08:00.000+08:00

Enough of All The Non-Sensical Bullshits

I've had enough of all you bullshitters telling me to do and what not to do on my fucking own space. All the stupid sarcasms that are fucking useless, are just another part of those people who are fucking insecured of themselves and maybe others. I dun go round looking into other blogs and tel them what to post and what not to. Unlike some others who are maybe insecured of loosing their girlfriends or maybe even their fake dignity and pride. Well maybe they do so just for an ego booster which still doesnt give them the right to fucking tell me what to do. Fuck, i can freaking diss whoever or whatever i want for that matter. If you want to read it, you jolly well deal with the facts. Maybe i might be biased but bottomline assholes, who cares...... Read and fucking understand the context.

For those not affiliated to the so called, "cyber commotion" please excuse my language. And to Raudhah, if you do read this, thank you for your words of advice or encouragement or whatever you call it. Thank you! And thus this brings me to P3 or Project3. I've finally decided that this 2 months, my game will be furniture. Chairs to be exact, movable chairs. Gave my project brief just now in front of the lecturers and all other year 3s. After so long not presenting in front of so many people, i can really feel my voice and myself shaking. The brief that i gave was supposed to be a gliding rocking chair but someone is already doing a rocking chair. Furthermore after hearing the lecturers' critique to what i have to say, i have decided that i am going to change the brief and not make a gliding rocking chair. Still make a chair but now i am contemplating on what parts can i make movable? Hmm!!! at least one movable part was the brief given to us. So on to work and research.....

2006-05-30T01:20:00.000+08:00

To this em person. I have the right to blog and say what ever i want to say and what ever i feel and it is none of anybody's business. And if you dun like it dun read it.

2006-05-28T17:01:00.000+08:00

Thoughts of a Dying Atheist

Really looking around i see that i really have not yet a specific goal or place that i have for myself. Still lost in a world right now only doing the things i have to. It is not wrong to admit nor it is shameful to say that i still tuly missed her. Yes i miss her but can i ever forgive her? I do not know and i seriously hope not. The bottomline is that can i ever forgive myself for letting her do the things she ever did? Those things are still sketchy and blurred for me even the future. I keep telling myself that i cant forever go on like these. Jade and everyone else tells me enough. Especially Jade, saying that she doesnt deserve to have this much thoughts on. Saying that during the times that i was with her, she was using me and i was blind to those things because i loved her and i was willing to do anything. How could someone be so cruel, so evil?

She must be somewhere leading a happy life being happy with the guy of her dreams. He must really be a nice guy that she quits on me like that and the next two days, she let him kiss her? and the next few days they come to be together? Fuck all you who thinks what pathetic shit is this. Me typing fucking screw ups. After that day, i promised myself i would never again be bothered to look nor see her again. But if i am so unlucky enough to do so then all she will be able to see from my face is "fuck, get out of my face, i hate you!?"

I am lucky to have friends like Jade and Dee and Syam they all. They really help me get out of my misery and into the crowded fun that they sometimes create. But even behind those smiles, it is not only my problems that i see. I see Jade whose alreadhy graduated facing the life that she is not supposed to. Troubles, and problems becomes unlimited hindrance between her and her goals. All i wish to do is to help but i have no idea how. Then comes Dee with almost the same obstacles. Is life really about problems and finance and food on the table and family and relationships and shit nots? It kills me just to think that things don't work because there is no money... That your life sucks because your girlfriend dumped you... But if things are like that, then it is life. i keep telling myself yes it is painful but what i am feeling is just part and partial of everyday life. It is painful and very hard to come to think that in the end, i will be there walking alone without her. and never will be with her. It sucks!?!? And as to Jade, keep trying dun ever give up sending out resumes. And Dee, try taking things one at a time. Very few people can kill two or three birds with one stone. It is definitely not us so relax ok...

2006-05-26T12:24:00.000+08:00

All work no life

Yup!! been doing my Caid for the past week and at last i've submitted my 45 page Caid drawing yesterday. Do like mad but still got some other people who rendered on Blender and all those shits. 45 pages is too much for me seh.. Some do until 60 pages even up till 90 pages. They want to freaking kill Terence is it who is going to be the one checking through and grading i think. Anyways i dun think he's going to be going through every single pages. That subject done and insya allah got one subject down with a good meritable pass i hope. I've heard of the previous batches who did like 25-30 pages and still got an 'A'. So pages dun really concern me right now.

On to Cultural Anthropology..... We or shall i say I had the last touch of finishing the powerpoint to a group presentation about the keppel Railway Station. Because of this and me being a filial student that i am now, i turned down Syam, Dee, Najib, and Imran for a night out for Gelatissimo ice-creams and pizzas. Damn it the setan in me didnt prevail this time. As i can see Amin not really pleased with the powerpoint i did so what the hell. I've done my part in the group. We didnt really present just now because Alieyah as i quote her, "having a girl's situation...... Mother of all cramps and headaches..." Haha!! seriously what a time seh.But never mind, Khee Huat gave us until next week to present so the stress level went down 1 notch at least.

So now i have to go as Oda and Syam already calling me down to level 3.. I don't want to go ccn flee.. Theres alot of people you can barely get across....

2006-05-23T19:14:00.000+08:00

Feeling Save Ferris

I want you to want me... I need you to need me... I'll love you to love me and i'm begging you to beg me.

Damn that song is hot. The vocalist's voice rock habis.

2006-05-22T18:23:00.000+08:00

Helpless in need

When time comes that i want to continue my Caid, suddenly a haunting sleeplessness takes the death of me. That together with the shouting, screaming hunger which is my stomach hinders me from my completion, my final objective. And i realise that i havent eaten since morning. Perut siapa boleh tahan sampai pukul 7 malam? The end is near but only for this block though. And yar submissions are up...... Ngantok nak mampos. Asal eh when it comes to work like these mesti ngantok. Setan tak senang tengok aku buat kerja. Lagu Hot Hot Heat, "Goodnight Goodnight" blasting at my ears but still i dozed off. Ironically the song title says goodnight goodnight. Rudy they all ask for me to hang out at tamp but sorry i didnt you guys. The nervousness of early submissions are taking its toll on me. Must focus!!! Must focus!?!? Must Focus???

2006-05-21T03:14:00.000+08:00

Alot have been hapenning this week

Watched "Poseidon" with mamang Ju at Tamp GV then had dinner at Swensen's all courtesy of mamang Ju. Poseidon was really good. Its like only the first quarter of the show slow with intro intro then after that all the way chilling, mind bugging action pack. the ironic thing was when they got off the cruise sui sui got this life vest. Genjotan betol.. Anyways mummy bought me 3 more shirts from giordano plus a cardigan from zara to add to my collection.. Cool!! Then me and Sis and mum went for dinner at Swensen's again but nevermind. We ordered quite alot and was wondering if we were going to finish. In the end habis licin pingan mangkuk semua disebat. My sister paid for the swensen's bill which was like $80 plus. Thank you sister. And as for me, at last i went to book for my car theory tests. I took the package theory tests which includes my basic theory, e-learning, e-trial tests and my final theory test all together amounted to $84.50 courtesy of my mum. And this time paid alot meaning i definitely have to go for all the tests. Insya' Allah all boleh pass at one go. I have a good feeling about this one. After that, we went together with dad and watched "The Da Vinci Code" at Tamp GV. My god you guys have definitely need to watch the movie. Although you won't be forgetting that it is a FICTION due to the story line, it is still power. Funny thinking that Jesus had a descendant. Oops!! shouldnt mention any further. go ahead to the nearest theater and catch the movie before the Christian Church gets the Prior of Sion... HAHA!! what a joke.

Other than that things about school. Submitted one of my assignments on time but gained a few more projects along the way. Haiz!! I almost finished my Caid drawing on rhino already and what's left is the editting and placing all together on photoshop and powerpoint. That one give me a whole day in front the computer without any distractions most probably can finsh. And lastly i will be starting on my PID project3 next monday. SHieks!!! What should i be doing?? A furniture or a bike? I was thinking of doing a bike as i've roughly gotten myself a target market for the kind of bicycle that i would want to make. As for furniture, i've had a talk with mum about the sub-out requiring a few hundreds of dollars which i might need. She said maybe she could help. Plus she mentioned about this uncle who did our sofa cushion and if i had the designs maybe could see if he could do and of course we would pay him.. So i havent much time at all to decide. This monday will be the briefing about the project 3 and next monday already starting. I will be busy working on my projects while some lucky people from IAD and IMD have the whole month off. People like Syam and others have no freaking classes from weeks 6-9 except for maybe one Saturday which is like only 1 hour of APEL class. Best seh!!! ok it is almost 4 am and it is thus time too doze off. Tommorow....... i mean today got gig at 3 pm at IJ studios. Must go and check out the scene as its been quite sometime that i've been to gigs. toodles!!!

2006-05-16T16:17:00.000+08:00

Wa sibai wa de kang ning nang betol... Otak boleh meletop seh buat nie benda betuah betol. Farhan today is none other than his hardworking self. Been to class and sat all the way to almost 3 when class finished then now doing work. But what the hell man this damn thing is so tedious my attention span is already spent. My brain can literally explode just by sitting in front of this monitor for hours doing nothing but the Caid drawing on Rhino. Not only that but must record down all and i mean all the processes i take in drawing out my handphone. Few seconds Rhino software, the next second photoshop for editting. So right exactly now, take a break, get blogging. Haniiimm!! what you want to tok? You sound like somebody died seriously. What telah happened? You better tok to me ok. now now.. i think im going to give it quits right now. seriously i started out with nothing today and ended up finishing almost half.. Cebah!! with freaking 93 layers on photoshop dammit. and of course lots more to do and to add.. ok bye

2006-05-15T23:33:00.000+08:00

At first i was afraid, i was petrified. I kept thinking i could never live without you by my side

Things that i've done... No more worries because i've already submitted my SIP Report; Well a little bit too late due to some problems that i encountered. But thanks Khee Huat if you're reading this. Cultural Antropology also finished. I took quite some time to finish up the collage but it was worth it. HMM!! i want to pass all my subject with merits this time please. I'll try hard although i do have the lazy bone but i'll try very hard i promise. Next assignment i have to be doing will be the caid drawing on rhino but the submission is not until next Friday. That one also must do my best. I know i can do it.

Enough bout school, now about my social life. Mine is not all about clubbing and partying and drinking out with friends. A little bit more noble than that eh. Well people been asking me that when's the gig. But i'm sorry that i think it is canceled as the guy didnt contact me back nor did he/she sent me any e-mails. So now The Esoteric back on the road on the look out for gigs that we could perform. Hmm!! It is hard to get gigs around here when you're not yet known well enough. But Esoteric is definitely working towards it. We've been practicing and jamming for the slightest last minute gigs we might end up with. Esoteric now with 4 originals on the road to being perfect. 1 more original coming up. We've been covering Tsunami bomb's lemonade and Kassim Selamat's La O Be. Its time to start covering new songs and we're looking towards The Quest.. Yeah!! ok dah bye..

2006-05-09T13:10:00.000+08:00

Cause and Effect

I believe that in anything that we do, there will always be a cause and the effect. For example in my case now, the cause is not sleeping over night and coming to school early in the morning. The effect is me not paying attention in class dozing off most of the time, drooling all over the place. Finally waking up with no idea of what was going on accompanied by a splitting cracking headache. Plus blurred vision for like a couple of minutes, aching body and joints. Hmm!! I have to entrust myself to go to sleep at night and not become an insomniac. The reason is that even though if you dun sleep in class like i did, your body will be drained and tired and lethargic like me now.. So now finish class im debating whether to go on home or stay and wait for friends.. La la la la... ding dong bell!!! bye

(ps. the thing about drooling all over the place just joking only- i am not that disgusting ok.)

2006-05-09T05:44:00.000+08:00

Insomniac

I couldnt sleep, nor am i even close to being sleepy or tired. Its coming to 6 o'clock in the morning and here i am blogging because i feel like it. Alot of things have been coursing through my mind lately. I cant actually picture nor understand what those things that are bugging my thoughts. All i know is that they're there and they won't stop. We just have to find a way to deal with it won't we.

Hmm!! i want to talk about this girl whom i know nothing about - things like what's her full name, age, where she's from - this girl whom i am deeply infatuated with. And if anyone is wondering, dun worry because she is not the sole reason that i am awake and probably won't be sleeping until school time at 9. I hate to admit it but i feel like a stalker which i solemnly protest that i am not. Well call it anything you want... stalker, obsessed, gilaa or whatever.. I call it infatuation, my "LAFS" syndrome, smittens.. boleh lah. Haiz!! I bet she is a nice person to be around with. There comes the problem where i know i will never stand a chance to even get to know her very well. She is in a relationship and like i've mentioned, she really looks like she is into him alot.. No offence to the dude of course. Anyways, doesnt mean she have a boyfriend someone else cant have a fatal crush on her like i do. Hell!! It happened to me like gazillions of times back when i had this gf of mine. Bottomline is that girl dun encourage those stupid little crushes and focus on her faithfulness and love towards the lucky boyfriend. I was stupid i was blind and things will never happen like they did.

Thank you for listening.

2006-05-08T04:04:00.000+08:00

Someone worth mesmerizing for

As usual with nothing to do, i update here update there.. while doing the updating on friendster, i ocassionally roamed around and, pap!! there she was. Alamak this one really drop dead gorgeous man. Looking at her info it seems that we have much alike in interest, and music and bla blas. Funny as i thought to myself that she looked quite familiar.. If i remember correctly, it was at the gig at Sentosa Siloso Beach that i first saw her. The gig was eons ago but i am sure it was her. I even remembered the bands that played -Murder by ska, Fishtank, Comicstrip, and some other punkrock band that i forgot-.

I might not have any point to my post here but i do have an intention. Which is to state out the fact that i was mesmerizing at that girl. Which could be this girl. Who knows?? Anyways, as i was saying i remembered i think that when fishtank was playing.. alot of people stood up including her and started skanking. I mean, i didnt pay much of an attention to anyone else but her of course. If i had the courage then, i coud have just gone up there and skanked with her but all i would be doing is my all time, "Skank Gone Wrong". Dun get me wrong, even though i love ska, skanking is just not my forte. Haiz!! She really is someone worth mesmerizing for. I must be suffering from LAFS syndrome, (Love At First Sight).

But from the profile and pictures i can clearly see that she's in a relationship and that both of them are really into each other. Hmm!! so all i can do is so called, "see no touch" thingy. Anyways good luck to her and the boyfriend. He is one lucky guy if i might add.

2006-05-07T01:18:00.000+08:00

Small, simple, safe price.

Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.

This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.

And i'm not afraid to die.

I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.

I want the pain of payment.

What's left but a pigmy size cut.

Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.

Would you be my little cut?

Would you be my thousand fucks?

And mark leaving space for the guilty to be liquid.

To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts.

My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.

I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart.

Love is not like anything.

Especially a fucking knife.

2006-05-02T17:15:00.000+08:00

Follow the yellow brick road road they say?? is that what they're really saying? i wonder.. I'm bored in school with nothing to do but go surfing if you know what i mean. I want to follow the yellow brick road but there is none here. Only carpeted if not marble tiling floors. hahaha.. CAID2 class is finished, and this time we're not working on Alias software but Rhinocerous instead.. They say it is easier but i was cracking my head to the core just create a freaking surface on the bloody computer. Nemind, slowly and i hope i will make it i think.

And while browsing around the school with nothing to do, i saw lots of new people and faces at last. made new friends. And of course have those really potential gorgeous, pretty, beautiful year 1 hopefulls. I remember just now when walking with Syam suddenly he startled me only because he saw a girl so beautiful.. He doesn't anyhow compliment any girls beautiful so when time comes when he does, yup the girls was really a shocker man. wowweee!! I have nothing much to say nor i have anything to do so when you're reading and it all sounds like plain blaberring fucks, please do excuse me aites.. buh byeeess...

2006-05-01T00:29:00.000+08:00

moving on.

Trudging around in circles around the pile of mud and dirt, he was lost to the deep dark loneliness of his mind. He was utterly and suddenly thrown to the pits of this wretched dark place with no compassion nor sympathy whatsoever. Believe when he say it was hard. And it is still hard for a person like himself to get out of a place so horrid, you can't even begin to imagine what it feels like. Yup he was lost, with no sense of purpose nor directions. Just like a wandering soul trying to find it's place amidst all the confusions and hatreds. Taking each day and each event that happened as it comes with no expectations. It was so traumatizing that it was extremely hard even to smile. Sometimes, he had to fake it so it wouldn't hurt anyone but then when will this stop. Trying to please anyone, everyone but himself.

Passing out towards the light, he finds himself some hope again for life and love. He looks towards his life now as though with a new sense of purpose. Of course he have to take things slow as the - deep, dark, horrid, wretched things - which was his past still lingers on to him. Clinging as though so stubborn it wouldn't let go as if there is some negative motif of some sorts. But then he wouldn't give in or let it pull him back to the ugly place of the past. He's clearer of what he wants months after months, years after years. And of course time after time friends and families are there needed to give support and help. He knows he's strong and there is no use of running away. Just face every obstacles head on.

2006-04-29T00:25:00.000+08:00

????Friendster????

Eh now, friendster is like so fuct up man. Like what the hell is wrong with the damn thing. Take like ages to load pictures and stuff even with a fucking broadband la. Furthermore after you check in back after 24 hours or more expecting some pictures to be loaded, NO... Those pictures are not loaded at all. what the hell?? i dun have that much patience and tolerence for this kinds of bullshits dammit. Work dammit work, what the hell is wrong. Am i asking too much that all i want is to have my pictures to be loaded up? I even scaled down the size of the pictures to less than 10% of 1MB which is what the requirements is. Damn fuck up sial.. pissed. shish

2006-04-27T14:00:00.000+08:00

Bored

Yep bored with nothing to do yet again. So yar, what can we talk about today? Hmmm!!

Anyways school started on Monday but this first week of school is like there is no classes whatsoever. Imagine coming to school for a week with nothing to do but having to have your face stuck to the computer monitor for hours. Staying at home is not a question people. I can't wait for classes to start. My mind set for this semester is like hurry up, get everything and all the subjects done and over with. Even if with classes started, i still have 1 to 2 days of freeness due the modul that design school is adopting called "block teaching". For example - On weeks 2-5, i only have classes on Tuesday and Friday. I'm sure everyone's guessing what the hell happened to Mon, Wed, and Thurs right. I have no freaking idea.

Back to nothing to do, yesterday we were like so bored. Syam and i went for a walk. Not just any walk but it was raining, grizzling i think but still quite pouring. Syam with his Hyundai MP3 and me with my Ipod stuck to our ears respectively we walked just to kill time. We took a train to Citihall and from there we walked to Boat Quay passing by Sir Stamford Raffles and the Asian Civilisation Museum. Going over the bridge we walked round Boat Quay heading to Clarke Quay and we continued walked while smoking and a little of head bangings (on my part i think). Clarke Quay as some of you know is still under construction so we detoured abit then arrived at MOS where we find Dee. She's working as the receptionist not for the MOS itself but for the fashion show that went on in there yesterday night. Sekali tangah sap rokok with Dee ada this girl... My god she is so pretty seh. hmm.....

Ok! now what else can i do... I think i want to change my friendster profile lah.. Maybe add a few more photos on friendster. Go check if anyone have time like i do.. Loads!!!

2006-04-26T12:56:00.000+08:00

Seem to stop my breath

My head on your chest

Waiting to cave in

From the bottom of my

Hear your voice again

Could we dim the sun

And wonder where we've been

Maybe you and me

So kiss me like you did

My heart stopped beating

Such a softer sin

(i'm melting, i'm melting)

In your eyes

I lost my place

Could stay awhile

And i'm melting

In your eyes

Like my first time

That i caught fire

Just stay with me

Lay with me

Now

Never caught my breath

Every second i'm without you i'm a mess

Even though each other

Trust these words are stowed

My cuts are healing

Learning how to love

I'm melting(i'm melting)

In your eyes

I lost my place

Could stay awhile

And i'm melting

In your eyes

like my first time

That i caught fire

Just stay with me

Lay with me

(Stay with me Lay with me now)

You could stay and watch me fall

And of course i'd ask for help

Just stay with me now

Take my hand

We could take our hands

I'll stay in bed and just make love that's all

Just stay with me now

I'm melting(i'm melting)

In your eyes

I lost my place

Could stay awhile

And i'm melting

In your eyes

Like my first time

That i caught fire

Just stay with me

Lay with me

In your eyes

I lost my place

Could stay awhile

And i'm melting

In your eyes

Like my first time

That i caught fire

Just stay with me lay with me

(Stay with me lay with me)

In your eyes

Lets sleep till the sun burns out

I'm melting in your eyes (i'm melting in your eyes)

Lets leave till the sun burns off

I'm melting in your eyes

Artist: The Used

Title: I Caught Fire (In Your Eyes)

2006-04-26T00:02:00.000+08:00

Finally, the Ipod is mine

I have been saving and debating with myself for years-months-weeks-days-hours-and believe me down to seconds wether or not to buy the Ipod Video 30GB. Well initially my mind was trying to make out whether to get the PSP or this one that i'm holding now(Ipod). Finally after much deliberation with my mind and soul, Ipod was the chosen choice. I am the fucking most happy lad there ever was seh.

From the time i got home at around 9 plus, till now at 1am, i have been storing loads of shits and stuff into it. 500 songs plus 376 photos and 4 videos. I have more to add but must relax, chill. Anyways i bought the black one, and now saving some more to buy the skin for protection due to loads of sayang feelings. So if you guys see me down the road anywhere in the world, sorry if i dun see nor realise anyone. Too busy switching songs.. :P I Love My Ipod... Muahahahaha!!!

2006-04-25T12:58:00.001+08:00

Waiting, What to do?

Im right now at the level 6 IAD cad lab with not a single clue of what to do next. Just came back from the Director's talk with maybe slightly abit more motivated for the next semester. Something i really need to finish off the subjects and pass good. And talking about subjects and passing out, if i finish and pass the subjects that im taking this year, i am only needed to take the Major Project plus two CDSs. That's it. Wow!! Farhan is so called on the right track seh to graduating on time. Thinking about that gives me the fuel and drive to push myself for excellence.

OK, back to waiting and not knowing what to do. im waiting for Shahirah's call then together with her and Syam we can go get my Ipod. Shish!! Bila lagi nak dapat eh??? ok lah going off now.

2006-04-23T05:12:00.000+08:00

So, school is reopening. No holidays, no nothing but just OSIP then its school straight. But its okay. So im starting as a year3. Damn fast seh!! but it seems like yesterday that i just first entered my life in poly. Anyways on Monday going to school already. I have to definitely put on a first impression on looks because believe me it matters. C'mon people, starting of a new school year meaning new hopefulls- meaning new faces- meaning new year ones- meaning new girls/chicks or whatever you call them. ahakz!! Well me and Syam already agreed that we're going to school looking our best. Not that we dun look our best every other single day though. Its just that Monday is special. get to meet new people. Hopefully we do because i have a jammed pack timetable with classes from 9am-9pm dammit. its going to be very challenging with Major Project 3 and all, (sigh!). If only i am rich, how easy for me to just draw out the design with ortographic and detailed dimensions and after that just sub out(of course the drawing and ortographic have to be very detailed and perfect in every way possible). but doing so cost money, and loads of it. sometimes just to sub out a metal "part" can cost about a few hundreds to maybe few thousands. Woah right!! hmm so starting of a new school year, Farhan will try to be very diligent in his work which i think he can with certain distractions out of the way. But of course he will be very diligent also in looking around for the new potential hopefulls. haha hehe huhu!!!

After the long patience

2006-04-22T00:44:00.000+08:00

Alas, after the long patience.

Tak sabar... Tak sabar... Ipod video aku yang punyaa.. Hahaha.. i mean i might sound a little bit obsessive about an mp3 but still. I've been waiting to own one since the very dawn of time. People might be asking why an Ipod. Well, like i've mention that i've been looking forward to it. Furthermore, because of the design, the sound, the music and the video. Above that, it acts as a portable hard disk for me. like a whole 30 gb worth of space people. I dun have to worry about where to save my school stuff as the 3D drawings and the photoshops take quite big spaces. Im smiles all over. Plus i love to walk and have music in my ears wherever i go. Its just very pleasant beacuse when i do walk around town whether alone or not, having music brings me at peace from the hustle and bustle of the city and my surroundings. I start to stop thinking about the people around me those staring and looking and thinking all kinds of shits about me and im delivered to peace with music ranging from rock-metal-pop-hardcore-and bla blas. So bottomline is i love music and music loves me. Tada!!

Kenangan

2006-04-20T22:41:00.000+08:00

Kenangan

Eh eh eh... Ish ish ish... kenangan demi kenangan lama seh. This is Design camp Refresh what year i dun remember. It was the time where Me, Syam, and Pendek was the so called GLs to our newly reborn freshies. hmm i still can remember those faces.. The "demented" psycho one, the metal-para2-jap girl, the double spacebars girl, and of course the delectible gangster loving guys. for those others whom i didnt mention you are all still remembered ok.. hmm memories...

Esoteric next appearance

2006-04-19T00:29:00.000+08:00

Esoteric next appearance

That is right. The Esoteric might be performing in two weeks time but details are still yet to be confirmed. What is known is that it will either be at Subc or at the gas house. hmm!! we still have to wait for Dan to receive a call to confirm that we are performing. Hopefully we are given a chance to perform as i am pretty excited for Esoteric to strut out their stuff.. New originals with new looks. The only downside is we might be performing alongside... Metal and Hardcore bands... grrr!!!

Esoteric Jamming

2006-04-16T04:19:00.000+08:00

Feeling alive

Feeling so high,

Thats the junkie

Lets start the party.

The party, the party

Cigarettes, beer, laughter, tear.

Ago-go music, FEELS LIKE MAGIC.

like magic, like magic

Fuckin IBM ThinkPad...

2006-04-14T00:02:00.000+08:00

Fuckin IBM ThinkPad

The damn notebook is so thick, its as thick as my big black book. It shouldn't even be called a fucking notebook pc. You see, i've been trying very hard to photoshop finish the product catalogue that im supposed to finish. Magnetic lasso here, lasso there. I've to lasso at least 100 pictures of bags that i took for the catalogue. I've done like around 20 or so and all of a fucking sudden, it just jams and WALLA!! i have to restart.. Like fucking hell, i jumped up and literally screamed becoming a mad man for that split second. I somehow knew that i should've saved, and saved, and fucking saved. But stupid me that i didnt.

Argh!! so fucking, freakingly stressed dammit. Its already enough that these few days i only have 2 hours tops of sleeping for it to eat its way into my floating sanity. But then this stupid thing that everyone calls "technology", is fucking giving me problems. And now im stuck not doing anything, or should i say i won't do anything. Its fucking 3:35 pm now and all i can think of is catching up on my sleep..... There you go!

Walla!?!? Well at least i dun have to freaking lasso this damn picture. 1 more thing, i am often shitting and taking a crap non-stop. What the hell is wrong with my bowel dammit. Im not having constipation. . . . . AM I?? (ps. pardon the language usage)

Memories

2006-04-12T22:37:00.000+08:00

Roaming thru the C drives and program files, he suddenly stumble upon sweet memories of the past. All so sweet yet so hauntingly painful to the mind and soul of a staggering and a struggling person trying very hard in vain to push it all down and away. And here appeared all the pictures and the fainting memories that he once thought he'd deleted away from the computer and his thoughts. He was wrong, the photos of the past taken together still embedded in his hard drive which once he thought he'd painfully deleted was still there.. Same goes to the memories that he thought he'd tried so hard to make them go away with all the sleepless nights and the troubling fights he had within the chaotic world which was his mind. He was wrong as they didnt really go away. Just hidden away waiting for something like this to happen to make it resurface to yet again start haunting him.

Well of course he is having a better grip on life than before. He himself knows of it that he's made an improvement. But no matter the amount of improvement nor the struggles he's been thru, its still within him. The stuborness and the hard headedness of these emotions just seemed to not go away. And they relentlessly bring him to times in the past where sweet things happened between him and his beloved sweetheart. He must agree that sometimes but only sometimes that these flashbacks brings smiles. but most of the time or almost everytime, it is not until he traced it back to the present that than, the pain comes on to him fully loaded in all sense of direction, in all torturing and mind bugging setting ever possible. That's where he gets his headaches and migraines as at times like these, he no longer sleeps well. Too far from being at peace, his mind just couldnt rest from the memories lingering through his thoughts.

Oh!! and please do believe that he's doing it. All the ways possible of ever trying to forget and leave everything behind. He's struggling but he's managing quite well from support of families and friends. One thing that he almost always ponder on is that, "when will all these come to an end"? All the hauntings, the flashbacks, the illusions, and the daydreams. When will it all stop? Everyday he prays that when he's out, going to work, anywhere, anytime, everywhere, he doesn't bump or see her. Singapore is a small place to be in where it is so easy to bump into someone and see that person again in the same week or perhaps in the same day. And he knows that he'll be strong alone or not. But its just the aftermath that he's afraid of.